5 facts about siblings
Siblings in the majority:
Around half of all children under 18 in Germany grow up with at least one sibling. A little over a quarter of children have two or more siblings, and another quarter grow up without siblings.
Shared genes:
Siblings on average share about 50% of their genetic makeup; in identical twins the genes are even 100% identical.
Instinctive differentiation:
Despite their genetic closeness, siblings are not more similar in their preferences and behavior than children who grow up in different households - studies rather suggest the opposite: siblings are probably instinctively inclined to differentiate themselves from their brothers and sisters.
Natural competitors:
Rivalry between siblings seems instinctive. In the animal kingdom, for example, the members of a litter fiercely compete for the mother's teats from the start. Even twins in the womb appear to be rivals - after all, one of the babies is usually larger and heavier than the other.
Changing relationship:
Sibling relationships usually follow a curve: in the first years of life and through school age sibling relationships are very close; from puberty and into young adulthood interest decreases significantly. In old age siblings come together more closely again.
Best friends or competitors? Rivalry between siblings
Dreamer meets rascal, bookworm meets sports fan: parents are repeatedly amazed that their children, although they largely have identical genetic makeup, can be so different. According to sibling research, these different personalities are not set at birth, but are attempts to distinguish themselves from one another and to claim a particular place within the family. Of course, life circumstances, the children's gender and the parents' behavior also play a role in the personality development of siblings. And yet a kind of zigzag pattern can often be observed among multiple siblings: if the firstborn is particularly lively and quick-tempered, the second child will probably be much calmer and more relaxed, the third then again very impulsive, etc.
Battle for parents' attention
The most frequent and fiercest fight among siblings is the fight for the attention and love of the parents. Whether it is conducted consciously, for example when two siblings compete for school or sporting successes to collect as much praise as possible, or whether the rivalry is carried out more unconsciously, as is often the case with small children – competition among siblings is relatively normal and can, under certain circumstances, even be an incentive.
At the same time it shapes them for life: children who have always lived in the shadow of an older brother or sister often still struggle with low self-esteem in adulthood. Decisive for personality development is the behavior of the parents: if they manage to treat two or more siblings fairly and according to their respective needs, they competition among siblings effectively.
Siblings vs. only child
What are the differences?
Only children are overprotected, spoiled know-it-alls who find it difficult to share with others or to integrate into a group – such and similar are the prejudices that single-child families have to hear again and again. But can the character of only children really be generalized like that? No, say psychologists – if growing up without siblings influences character, then rather in a positive way.
According to recent studies, only children are on average more social, more achievement-oriented and overall happier than children with siblings. This may be mainly due to the undivided attention and love of the parents that accompanies only children throughout their childhood. Experts today assume that it is not so much the siblings who shape children's social behavior and personality, but contact with other children in general. Whether and how many siblings a child has therefore seems not so important. It is still believed that children with siblings often develop a keen sensitivity to other people and are more assertive. But the negative stereotype of only children must definitely be revised.
New arrival: How do I prepare my child for a sibling?
Almost all children want siblings: The idea of having a little brother or sister as 'reinforcement' for playing and messing around is, after all, very tempting. But when a baby really arrives, children's feelings are usually ambivalent: The Curiosity about the sibling mixes with the fear of having to share their parents in the future. The pride of soon being a big brother or big sister alternates with the wish that as little as possible should change in the familiar family life. All these worries are, of course, justified: All the more important is that the parents carefully prepare their firstborn carefully prepare their firstborn for the baby, so that the future siblings have as good a start with each other as possible.
Finding the right time: When you tell them about the new arrival depends on the age of your firstborn. Only in primary school age is a child's sense of time developed enough that they can make sense of a statement like 'in four months'. Toddlers are best informed a few weeks before the birth so that the waiting time for the baby is not too long.
Be honest: Stick to the facts - explain to your child that newborn babies look red and wrinkled, that they cry a lot at first and that you have to care for them constantly. You can gently prepare your child that they will certainly sometimes be fed up with their sibling - but that eventually they can become a great playmate.
Involve your child in the preparation: Let your firstborn help decide on the setup of the baby's room and the selection of toys. That strengthens their position in the family and at the same time increases the anticipation for the sibling.
More responsibilities for Dad: If possible, Dad should now spend more time with the firstborn child - he will become a very important attachment figure in the first months after the baby's birth. Shared reading time, outings or regularly bringing them to daycare are good preparation.
When siblings are at each other's throats
Sibling conflict is completely normal. In many families loud arguments and small scuffles are even the order of the day. Although this strains the parents' nerves, you should not prevent everyday conflicts: Through disputes siblings learn to represent their interests and stand up for themselves - and they also learn to cope with defeats and come back together.
Should parents step in during conflicts?
As long as no violence is involved, you should allow the sibling disputes. Point out to your children that it is best to settle the conflict among themselves - as a rule the siblings will soon agree. If a dispute has no end at all, you can try to mediate, for example by suggesting a compromise.
Why do siblings argue so often?
On the one hand because of the close proximity. Especially in kindergarten age siblings spend a lot of time together and often share a room. That provides plenty of conflict potential. The good news: Intense fighting is only possible if your children have intense feelings for each other - often siblings fight more bitterly the closer they are to each other.
What causes arguments?
On the surface it's often about a toy or about who can do something better. In most cases, however, the dispute is often about getting the attention of the parents. This leads to louder shouting and crying - in the hope that a parent will step in and take sides.
Tips for parents - how to support strong sibling relationships
Never compare siblings with each other - rather praise and encourage each child individually for what they do well.
Fairness instead of equality: Always treat your children fairly, but do not try to treat everyone the same - that cannot work because of age differences.
Now and then spend "quality time" with one child alone - that strengthens your children's self-esteem and leaves less room for rivalries.
Make siblings partners: Compete against two siblings when playing or ask the siblings to complete a task together - this strengthens their bond.
Contact with other children: In nursery, daycare and school this usually happens by itself - but in the afternoons siblings should also regularly play with other children to see themselves as individuals outside the family.
Don't force anything: Not all siblings are inseparable. If your children behave amicably toward each other but otherwise show little interest in one another, you should accept that - maybe they will become closer as adults.
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Big brother hugs his little sister tightly © Photo-Maxx - stock.adobe.com