Is sibling rivalry normal?

Sibling rivalry as an instinct: In nature, rivalry between siblings is very pronounced: for example, in a litter of puppies or piglets the larger animals push the smaller ones away from the mother's teats – if necessary until the weakest babies perish.

Rivalry as an incentive: To a certain extent, competing among siblings is normal and even beneficial – it encourages the younger ones to learn and can, in some cases, even strengthen the sibling relationship when the older siblings take on the role of 'teacher'.

The struggle for parental love: Most parents believe they treat their children equally. But that is usually not the case. Almost always, one child is favoured, consciously or unconsciously. When children sense this, it can fuel the rivalry and strain the sibling relationship.

He's allowed to do a lot more than I am!

When children feel treated unfairly Children often perceive things subjectively and frequently feel treated unfairly compared to their siblings. For example, older siblings are annoyed when they have to take on more tasks or are expected to be 'the sensible ones'. Younger children find it unfair that the older ones are allowed to stay up later or go to friends' houses alone. Middle children are often caught in a dilemma: depending on the situation they sometimes count as the younger ones, sometimes as the older ones — and almost always feel disadvantaged. According to psychologists, birth order is a decisive factor in how children develop their personalities.

Studies also suggest that the feeling of unfairness among siblings is justified: parents, on average, spend significantly more time with the firstborn during their first years of life than with the children born afterwards — simply because everyday stress increases with the second and third child and routine sets in for childcare. This does not necessarily result in a disadvantage for the younger children. As long as parents manage to respond to each child according to their needs, sibling rivalry usually remains limited.

How can sibling rivalry be avoided?

Don't compare children: Whoever compares siblings only intensifies the competition. Refrain from remarks that one child learned to ride a bike earlier or can listen better than the other - every child needs to be encouraged in their personality and abilities in order to develop a healthy self-confidence.

Put different abilities into perspective: If a child tries in vain to draw a circle or tie their shoes, the older siblings often say quickly: 'You can't do that, you're too small!' That often causes frustration - and if you scold, the older child is frustrated too, after all they said the truth. It's better to relativize such statements by saying, for example: 'When you're as old as your brother/your sister is now, you'll be able to tie your shoes all by yourself.'

Turn competitors into partners: When siblings help each other, competition mostly falls by the wayside. The older ones enjoy their role as teachers and the younger ones appreciate the attention and are eager to learn new skills. Of course there are arguments, not least because older siblings are not particularly patient teachers. Nevertheless, you should occasionally and unobtrusively encourage your children to help each other.

One-on-one time: If possible, you should spend some one-on-one time with each child now and then, without the siblings. Plan activities that are difficult with younger/older siblings, for example going swimming or a reading session with favourite books. This affirms and strengthens children for everyday family life.

How can I prevent jealousy toward the new sibling?

When a new sibling is on the way, many children are happy and proud to soon be a big brother or big sister. But when the baby arrives and demands Mom's and Dad's attention from morning till night, many children react with jealousy. Of course you can talk with your child during pregnancy to prepare them for the big change — equally important, however, is to give the 'big one' enough attention when the baby is born so that rivalry doesn't arise in the first place.