Actions speak louder than words: How am I a role model for my children?

Children regularly hold up a mirror to us. They confront us directly with small mistakes and lapses by commenting on or adopting our behavior. Most parents are well aware that they are role models for their children. The complication is that the role-model function does not only refer to parents' positive behaviors, but to all habits and areas of life. Someone who preaches one thing but does another quickly becomes untrustworthy: Why should a child tidy their room if the living room is regularly chaotic? Why should they sit quietly and politely at the lunch table if Mom reads the newspaper or talks on the phone at the same time? It is not always easy to be a good role model for your children. Often it means critically questioning your own behavior and, if necessary, changing it. Because many behaviors are pure habits that we do not think much about. Do I behave myself in the way I expect from my child and the people around me? That is the fundamental question regarding the role-model function. You can learn more about how you can be a good role model for your children here.

I do everything differently from my parents!

How much the family you grew up in shapes you is something most people recognize at the latest when they become parents themselves. Many unconsciously adopt the behavior of their own parents, whether in stressful situations or in everyday life with a child. Others consciously distance themselves from their parents' parenting style and want to do better. And still others draw on their childhood experiences and even seek advice from their parents on parenting questions. Regardless of whether we remember our own upbringing as positive or negative: it always has a decisive effect on how we deal with our children and what demands we place on ourselves as parents. You can make use of this: what benefited you in your own upbringing, and where would you have wished for more support from your parents? With this awareness you already have a good guide for your individual parenting style in hand.

How can we be authentic parents to our child?

Children have pretty well-functioning antennas when it comes to their parents' credibility. And many parents are more uncertain than ever about basic questions of childrearing: on the one hand they want to do everything right and optimally support their child, on the other they have to manage family life in a relaxed, harmonious way while also working. But how does this uncertainty affect the children? Children do not need perfect parents. They need the security that an authentic upbringing can provide. But how do parents find their own way in raising children? We have put together some to-dos for authenticity:

• Self-confidence: Trust your abilities as parents and, again and again, your gut feeling

• Attentiveness: Listen to your child, spend time together to find out what they really need

• Imperfection: Admit mistakes and fears and be willing to learn

• Conviction: Be genuine; only convey to your child the values you yourself stand behind

• Eye level: Be as polite and respectful to your child as you would expect to be treated yourself

There will repeatedly be situations in which you as parents reach your limits. That too is completely normal – and accepting your own mistakes is part of your authenticity.

Am I engaged – or already a helicopter mother?

Under control at every turn: If you look around playgrounds and kindergartens, you might be amazed: parents entertain their children for hours in the sandbox or stand right next to the climbing frame to make sure nothing happens. Kindergarten mothers plan support programs for their children instead of letting them play outside, and parents carry their children's schoolbags all the way into the classroom so as not to overwhelm them. More and more, parents are becoming their children's personal assistants – acting unsolicited as entertainer, taxi, conflict counselor and event manager. In doing so, the so-called helicopter parents put not only themselves under pressure but also their children.

Perfect parents – insecure children: The understanding of parenthood has changed. Today children are no longer an obvious 'accompaniment' to adult life, but are carefully planned into life plans with the same single-mindedness with which a professional career is pursued. The supposedly perfect parents want to do everything right and in the process forget to trust their intuition. This insecurity is transferred to the children: they do not develop self-confidence because the parents do not trust them, no sense of responsibility because everything is done for them, and no initiative because their daily life is shaped by others.

Am I a helicopter mother? The line between completely normal worries and obsessive control is not always clear. The individual needs of a child and the circumstances in daycare, school or leisure activities also play a role. Every mother probably finds herself occasionally with irrational fears or concerns, but does that make her a helicopter mother? No – as long as these fears do not dictate behaviour toward the child. Children need the freedom to try things out for themselves, to make their own mistakes and sometimes to do absolutely nothing. For that they above all need their parents' trust. Read more here about what lies behind the term helicopter parents.

Checklist: How should I behave toward my children properly?

• Define expectations: What expectations do you have of yourselves as parents?

• Name parenting goals: What would you like to give your child on their life path?

• Be authentic: Do you stand behind the values you convey to your child?

• Be a role model: Do you live these values and this behavior yourself in everyday life?

• Stay flexible: Do you occasionally put your own parenting style to the test – perhaps the family situation currently requires something different?

• Show understanding: Do you show understanding for your child's mistakes and setbacks, as well as your own?

• Be consistent: Do you stand by your word – both when you promise something and when you announce punishments?

• Give up perfectionism: Children don't need a 'perfect' upbringing, but authentic, caring parents!

Image credits

Child and father crafting © Hero Images - stock.adobe.com