Mum or Dad? Development matters

Bonding & Trust:

In the first months of life, the most important thing for your child is that someone is there to look after their needs. Breastfeeding, giving attention and comforting are usually provided by the mother, and from this the important basic trust develops that will probably make your child a "mum’s child" at first.

Interaction:

At five to six months your child begins to explore their surroundings with hands, eyes and first movements. Now dad is noticed too. Curiosity grows and a person who isn’t at home all day needs to be investigated. That’s when mum — even if she has been there all day caring for them — can quickly be written off in the evening.

Psychosexual development:

At around three years old your child discovers their gender. They learn that mum and dad are different and pick up from you what being a woman or a man means. While girls often begin to seek their father’s attention, boys are usually drawn to their mother. The same-sex parent, however, remains a role model. Depending on the personalities of parents and children, age or family constellation, identification can also happen the other way round.

Situation-dependent:

Even very young children have different needs: sometimes they want things to be rough and there’s nothing better than playing and romping about. Other times what your child needs is security and loving words. Studies show that fathers tend to trust their child more and roughhouse more, while mothers focus more on the child’s safety. Little ones learn very quickly which parent looks after them best in each situation and then automatically favour that parent.

How do I raise a child who prefers mum or dad?

The answer is simple: together and consistent. The pleasure of being the focus shouldn’t mean you allow your child more or that your partner’s rules don’t apply. You would also expect your child to obey, even if they would rather play and cuddle with the other. Agreements with your partner should stand and be respected. Children need routine and security. Once they realise this is guaranteed by both parents, they also find it easier to form relationships with them.

Mum-child and dad-child: How should I handle it?

Talk:

• If only mum is allowed to read the bedtime story or only dad can help with getting dressed, it can sometimes feel like a stab to the parents' heart. Understanding your partner’s feelings is important to cope with the situation.

Observe

• Pay attention to how your child behaves in different situations and which parent they seek contact with. If you reflect on which developmental phase your child is in, many things become easier to explain. You may then also find that your child doesn’t "always only" want mum or dad.

Don’t withdraw

• Your child’s actions don’t mean they don’t love you. Even if it’s hard, you shouldn’t take it personally or pull away. Any reproach will be noticed by your child and may make them cling to your partner even more.

Don’t take advantage

• Being needed and loved is the greatest affirmation for parents. However, you shouldn’t take advantage of it when your child only wants to be with you. Doing so deprives them of important stimuli for development that come from the other parent. Don’t exclude anyone and enjoy your family life together.

Share responsibilities

• Being the focus of your child is lovely, but it can quickly become overwhelming. Discuss with your partner how you can give each other space while the other strengthens their relationship with the child. Sometimes that unfortunately means having to put up with crying or sulking when the other heads off to sport or has plans for a few hours.

Image credits:

Mom holds her daughter in her arms and dances © Halfpoint - stock.adobe.com

Dad and son hold hands and the son holds a painted picture in his hand © JenkoAtaman - stock.adobe.com

Father and son play in the bedroom © JenkoAtaman - stock.adobe.com