Sibling jealousy

Don't you love me anymore? – Jealousy of the new baby

Even if you prepared your child for the sibling during pregnancy, the fact that there is suddenly someone else for mom and dad to pay attention to only becomes real after the birth. Whether your first child is still small or already in school, they will especially suffer from the new situation during the first months of the baby's life and often experience negative feelings.

Being dethroned:

Before the birth, your entire attention probably belonged to your first child. Now the new baby is in the spotlight. For your child the new situation is initially incomprehensible, because the baby can do nothing but sleep, cry and eat – so why does it still get so much attention?

Uncertainty:

Children between about 2 and 4 years old can hardly understand that a new child does not make the parents' love any smaller. The new situation makes them insecure and for many triggers fears of loss, because they cannot yet assess the unfamiliar circumstances.

Disappointment:

Your child can hardly imagine that they were once that small and couldn't eat or play on their own. For this reason the disappointment is usually great when a new playmate doesn't immediately appear.

Behavioral changes:

It is not uncommon for firstborns after the birth of a sibling to show behaviors they had already outgrown – e.g., crawling instead of walking or sucking their thumb – and it usually helps little to say that your child is already too old for that. It's best to take the behavior with humor. These behaviors usually disappear again on their own.

Eifersucht untern Geschwistern | Zwei Geschwister zwischen Dünen

Like all relationships in life, the one between siblings is very complex. No matter how much they love each other and how strongly they stick together, some days the feeling arises that a brother or sister is treated better by the parents, receives more attention, love or privileges – and with that comes jealousy. This often leads siblings to argue over trivialities, behind which actually lies the desire for attention and love from the parents. Even if you as parents try to be fair to your children, it can happen that you feel more drawn to one child. Reasons for this can be personality or a significant event with your child. You should still always try to treat both siblings fairly.

Children have fine antennae and quickly sense an imbalance in the family. Persistent unfair treatment can even lead to your children having problems forming relationships with others later on. But don't worry, shared attention will also do your child good: it teaches children that it can't always be only about them.

What can I do about jealousy between siblings?

Show love:
As banal as it may sound, show your child as often as possible how much you love them. It is especially helpful for your child when they notice that they have your undivided attention.
Make time:
Especially at the beginning it is rather difficult for mothers to take time just for their older child. Therefore, even before the birth, arrange for your partner or the grandparents to consciously set aside time to play with or go for a walk with your first child. You can also plan activities specifically for your older children that only the two of you do together.
Don't compare:
It is often hard not to compare the children. Try to avoid doing so, because it often hurts your child rather than encouraging them to read more or to do their homework more neatly.
Strengthen the sense of togetherness:
Although spending individual time with a child is important, you should also do things together more often. A nice outing or even just dinner with the whole family can help show your children that you are all a team.

Discover even more