Why do my children argue so much?

Is that normal?

Many parents are at a loss when their children are constantly at each other's throats. Is it normal for children to have countless disputes every day, which sometimes even escalate into physical scuffles? Experts say yes: after all, siblings spend almost as much time with each other as with their parents. The smaller the age gap between siblings, the more often friction occurs.

Intervene - yes or no?

In principle, children should be able to work out an argument to resolve a problem and make up again. Only when a dispute becomes violent or doesn't end should you intervene and try to mediate between the squabblers.

What is the point of arguing?

Arguing can be nerve-wracking for parents, but children learn to stand up for and defend their interests. At the same time, disputes help siblings stake out their place within the family - and they make it clear that other family members also have needs they want to assert.

The most important basic rules for arguments between siblings

• Allow arguments: It's not necessary to intervene at every outcry. Your children need to learn to settle disputes among themselves and find a solution. Mediate only when a dispute doesn't end.

• Stay attentive: Even if you don't intervene, you should keep an open ear for the situation. If a child is hurt or if insults suddenly start flying, it's time to step in.

• Stay neutral: Try not to take sides, even if, for example, the younger child is clearly at a disadvantage in a discussion with the older one. Encourage the children to settle their dispute among themselves and emphasize that you cannot judge who started it.

• Address conflicts: If siblings argue very often or bitterly, you can discuss the conflict in a quiet moment. Try, for example, to create rules of conduct for conflict situations together with your children.

• Be consistent: If siblings constantly fight over a particular toy or the remote control, you can put that toy away for a while or simply turn off the TV. Usually that's an incentive to make up again.

Confident children are less prone to conflict

A common reason for sibling quarrels is jealousy or the feeling that one must fight for one's place in the family. Children with low self-esteem are more likely to attack others to strengthen their own position. That is why it is so important to treat children as fairly as possible and give each the attention they need. In the hectic daily family life, it is not always easy to distribute cuddles, praise, and attention evenly. But you should make sure to listen attentively to your children and encourage them in their individual abilities so that they can always be certain of your affection. If possible, you should spend time alone with a child from time to time - alternately, of course, so that your child receives your full attention for a while.

How to strengthen solidarity among siblings

Encourage helpfulness: Encourage siblings to help each other. Ask, for example, the older child to put the younger one's hat on, or ask the younger one if they can help find the older child's favorite toy. This strengthens the bond among children.

Don't compare: Never compare your children's abilities or traits with each other - frustration and jealousy are practically preprogrammed. It is better to praise each child for their personal abilities.

Fair, not equal: It is almost impossible to treat siblings of different ages and personalities completely equally - and it wouldn't make sense. Instead, try to always be fair, give each child what they need and avoid disadvantaging any of them.

Praise togetherness: Praise your children when they've accomplished something together or play especially well together. Also, if your children team up against a parent in an argument, you can address that - after all, they support each other in a conflict situation.

Image credits

Two children are fighting over a toy © Anastasia Amraeva - stock.adobe.com

Big brother holds his little sister very tightly © Photo-maxx - stock.adobe.com