Favourite child – what does that mean?

To find out whether it is acceptable — or perhaps even perfectly normal — for parents to have a favourite child, you first need to define what you mean by “favourite child”. Do you mean the classic favourite who can get away with everything at home and is preferred by the parents over the other children? Or does the term simply describe the fact that parents can identify with their children to different degrees and may relate to one child in a very different way than to another? In one study, 65 per cent of mothers and 70 per cent of fathers admitted that they favoured one of their children – although many of them at the same time try not to let this show and attempt to treat all their children equally where possible. In principle, one can assume that very few parents deliberately disadvantage a child or want to make them feel less important than a sibling. However, children have a keen sense of fairness – many siblings notice unequal treatment by their parents even when the parents themselves are not aware of it.

Why do I feel closer to one child than to another?

There are many reasons why parents may have a favourite child. It is often the result of several factors interacting: the parents' own personality and that of their children, the parents' childhood experiences, the order of birth, or the circumstances surrounding a child's arrival into the world.

Birth order: The firstborn always occupies a special place with their parents, since the experiences with this child remain particularly formative in memory. Of all the siblings, the firstborn alone enjoyed the undivided attention of the parents – for many parents this unconsciously becomes an “anchor” in family life.

Gender: Studies show that fathers often favour their youngest daughters, while mothers tend to pay special attention to their firstborn sons. Boys and girls are in some cases treated differently by parents due to cultural and societal conditioning – but that does not necessarily mean one is being disadvantaged.

Personality: Parents often recognise their own character traits particularly clearly in one child. It is only natural to feel more drawn to that child and perhaps to be more understanding of their qualities.

Formative experiences: Sometimes life‑changing events mean that a child is treated differently from their siblings. A particularly difficult birth or an accident in which the child was in serious danger can lead parents to be more indulgent with that child even later on and to give them extra attention.

How does unequal treatment affect children?

Children don't necessarily have negative experiences if their parents treat them differently — provided the family situation is overall harmonious and each child receives the attention they need. Almost all children are occasionally jealous of their siblings or feel disadvantaged; that's perfectly normal. However, if a child feels consistently sidelined, they often bear the consequences for life: these children frequently struggle later with low self‑esteem and insecurity around other people. Conversely, siblings who have been clearly favoured may later find it difficult to fit into society when they no longer receive the automatic attention to which they're accustomed.

Favourite child – perfectly normal? Tips for parents

• Everyone is different: Bear in mind that it is impossible to love two children in exactly the same way, even if you love them both equally

• Enough attention for every child: If you, as parents, recognise and respect your children's differing needs, none will feel left out

• Enjoy special closeness: Enjoy the special bond you have with one child – that doesn't mean the others have to miss out

• Reflect critically: Observe your behaviour towards your children. Perhaps you will recognise patterns or habits you weren't aware of?

• No self‑reproach: Don't beat yourselves up if your relationship with one child is closer than with the others; instead, savour the individual bond you have with each child

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Mother holding children in her arms © Westend61 - stock.adobe.com