Why do parents fear letting go?

According to psychologists, clinging is part of human nature: holding on to familiar people, situations and surroundings is a basic need that protects us. At the same time, letting go is a natural process without which children could never lead an independent life. After the initial, intense period many parents become used to feeling needed around the clock and may even find a certain satisfaction in it. Letting go also always involves a loss of control. More and more, a child's life slips out of parental influence. In return, they form new social contacts and become increasingly independent.

Letting go step by step

Säugling: Strictly speaking, birth is already a first letting go for the mother – and for many mothers it is unthinkable to be apart from their baby even for a short time in the first months. That is only natural: after all, the newborn is completely dependent on parental care. Babies have fewer problems with a separation at this early stage – they only begin later to perceive their parents as attachment figures.

Baby: Many mothers experience weaning their child with mixed feelings: on the one hand they are finally freer, yet on the other it can feel as if an intense bond with the child is being lost. Children themselves sometimes have difficulties with it. Take time for this first 'separation' and be aware that it is an important prerequisite for your child's independence.

Krippe: Almost all toddlers need some time to get used to the unfamiliar environment in the day‑care centre or with a childminder, and parents also find it difficult to leave their children with unfamiliar people for longer periods. It is important that you find a childcare facility you can trust completely – that way, despite the initial pain of separation, you will feel reassured. You can also help yourself and your child become accustomed to new situations from an early age by visiting friends, going to a parent‑and‑baby group or staying overnight with the grandparents.

Kindergarten: If your child has already attended day‑care, the transition to kindergarten is usually not a major problem. And yet it feels like something entirely different to suddenly have a "kindergarten child". Many children begin, during kindergarten age, to meet up with friends in the afternoons to play: little by little your child's social circle grows and the time you spend together decreases.

Grundschule: Starting primary school is a milestone that many parents approach with mixed feelings: pride in the growing child is accompanied by doubts about how they will cope with the demands of school and life in a class. Usually a middle way is just right: trust in your child's abilities and in those of the primary school teachers, while also following your child's development attentively and with empathy – that way you can be there when you are needed.

Pubertät: The process of detachment is particularly pronounced during puberty: children now actively demand their freedom. Many feel it is important to distance themselves from their parents and vehemently assert their own opinions. Parents must now walk a fine line – a healthy mixture of understanding and consistency, combined with the ability to let a child make their own mistakes and gain their own experiences.

Checkliste:

How parents and children can learn to let go

• Trust: You should trust in your child's ability to solve challenges independently.

• Reliability: Reassure your child that you are always there if they have problems.

• Restraint: Observe attentively how your child develops in day‑care, kindergarten or school, but also respect the work of the caregivers.

• Reflect: Think about your own childhood and your hopes and fears in separation situations – perhaps your child is very similar to you.

• Consistency: Even if it sometimes hurts, every healthy child must learn to be independent.

Image credits

Happy little girl with mother at home, having fun, hugging © Halfpoint - stock.adobe.com