Why does a child hit their parents?

The reasons for aggressive behavior are complex, and it is often the case that parents lack the necessary distance to explain their children's behavior. Children who are beaten often hit others themselves. But an aggressive relationship between the parents, insults, indifference or lack of attention can also be causes of aggressive behavior in children. Other reasons why a child may hit their parents can include:

• Helplessness:

  Hitting and kicking are often signs of helplessness. The child sees no way out of a situation or has not learned to seek support.

• Frustration:

  Children who don't succeed in what they set out to do, or who are less able than their classmates or kindergarten peers, can become angry and aggressive.

• Behavioral disorder:

  Disordered social behavior can take many different forms – for example, when a child has not learned to communicate their needs and reacts with violence because they feel cornered. It can also be impaired impulse control or a lack of empathy, so that a child does not even realize that they are hurting others.

• Desire for contact:

  In younger children, physical aggression can also be a desire for attention. Children who have not learned how to make contact with other children tend to bite or hit their playmates to draw attention to themselves. Scolding in such cases is doubly confusing because the child actually had good intentions.

Do you want to understand your child's emotional world even better? On a separate page we've compiled everything on the topic of Child psychology compiled.

What should I do if my child hits me?

It's not easy not to take insults or blows from a child personally. However, aggressive behavior is usually driven not by a readiness for violence, but by frustration, fear, or insecurity. Therefore you should always stay calm at first. The most important thing is that you now react calmly and thoughtfully. If you become just as emotional as your child because they hit you, the situation will only escalate.

Often your child just wants to provoke you or test you because they are curious about your reaction. In that case you may show yourself unimpressed by your child's hitting and calmly make it clear to them that hitting is absolutely taboo.

Here's what you can do if your child hits you:

1. Stay calm and take a moment to collect your feelings

2. Hold the child's hitting arm firmly but carefully

3. Make eye contact

4. Say 'No' calmly but firmly and make it clear that hitting is taboo

5. Once the child has calmed down, respond to their emotions: 'You're really angry, aren't you?'

6. If possible, offer an alternative outlet for frustration (e.g., hitting a pillow)

Talking about it: Seeking help when my child hits me

If your child hits you in a rage, that does not mean you have failed as a parent — not at all! Your child still has to learn how to express and properly channel their anger. They need your help for that.

Also feel free to talk to other parents about the situation. They can probably give you a tip or two and support you with advice and practical help. You may feel ashamed that your child hits you and prefer not to bring the behavior up with outsiders. But always remember: nobody is perfect and other mothers and fathers experience exactly the same as you. Don't hesitate to seek professional help if it seems useful to you. Parenting counselors or child psychologists can help you explore the causes of your child's aggressive behavior and work with you and your family to develop solutions.

Your child is hitting: When does it become serious?

Little ragers: A carefully built tower of building blocks collapses, and in anger your child throws the blocks across the room. The siblings argue over a book and the dispute escalates from shouting to wrestling and kicking until the parents separate them. Mom wants to go home, the four-year-old insists on swinging longer and, in a fit of anger, hits the mother when she simply takes him away.

Impulsive behavior in younger children is completely normal:

Many parents know such situations. They occur in this or similar form in most families and are not, in themselves, a reason to worry. Children are impulsive and express their frustration physically when they lack the words. But when do aggressive behaviors become a problem?

When should parents act? Some children go through phases in certain developmental stages where they become little "ragers" — the most well-known example is theDefiant phase at the age between two and three years. Tantrums and aggression only become problematic when a child:

• regularly loses control or over trivial reasons

• during tantrums no longer responds to parental intervention

• does not lash out helplessly, but intentionally hurts other people

• is noticed for aggression in kindergarten or at school

• consequences or discussions have no effect

In this situation, parents should look for the causes of the aggressive behavior together with their child — and, if necessary, also seek help from outside.

How can you help children stop hitting?

It's not a pleasant experience when your child gets so enraged that they hit you in a tantrum. In the worst case it's not a one-off but repeats. But how can you make it clear to your child that it's not okay to hit?

The most important thing in any case: set an example. Because especially young children are less guided by what parents say than by what they do. So if parents themselves quickly lose their temper or raise their voices, a child will copy that. But what do you do when the child still hits? We've put together a few tips on how you can help your child stop hitting:

Build self-confidence:

Praise, affection and time together support your child so that they can react more confidently in conflict situations and also assert themselves with other children.

Be consistent:

Aggressive behavior must have consequences. If your child hits you, you can send them to their room or take a short time-out for yourself. It's important that you react immediately and with the necessary calm, but never with violence.

Strengthen empathy:

Many children have real meltdowns during tantrums. Make your child aware that the hits, kicks, or insults hurt you and make you sad. Maybe next time they'll react more consciously.

Don't isolate them:

If your child is aggressive not only toward you but also toward other children, problems can quickly arise in kindergarten or school. To prevent your child from becoming an outsider, you can try to build a relationship with one or two "trusted" children — these relationships give your child security and self-confidence.

Practice letting off steam:

Children first have to learn to deal with negative emotions. Parents can suggest ways to let off steam: on a punching bag, by throwing a pillow into a corner, or by letting off steam outdoors.

Tip: One reason that a child hits their parents or others in their environment can, among other things, be a lack of social skills. How and when a child develops social skills, we have summarized on a separate page.

Image credits:

Screaming boy covering his ears © nadezhda1906 - stock.adobe.com