Age-appropriate upbringing instead of 'child training'

Good behavior, like most parenting issues, is subject to the spirit of the times. While at the beginning of the last century children had to behave like small adults and often addressed their father and mother with 'Mr./Mrs.' and the formal 'Sie', in the 1970s and 80s anti-authoritarian parenting became fashionable, where children were to develop freely without rules and restrictions. Neither extreme was particularly child-friendly, as experience shows.

Today a middle way has prevailed: most parents value good behavior in their children, but want their children to learn what is appropriate without drill and as age-appropriately as possible. Traits like empathy and helpfulness are encouraged, while rigid etiquette increasingly recedes into the background.

From toddler to teenager - When do children learn good manners?

Children learn good manners from the very beginning – through good role models. All efforts are useless if you do not model good behavior for your child. This also includes that you always treat your child politely and respectfully. Your child will quickly internalize this behavior as 'normal' and act accordingly.

Helpfulness:

Many one- and two-year-olds pick up things that have fallen as a matter of course or hand certain items like spoons or toys to mom and dad when asked. Even if it's more playful - thank your child when they have helped. You should rather refrain from offering a reward so that the child does not in future associate helpfulness with a demand.

Please and thank you:

Many children come into playful contact with 'please' and 'thank you' early on, for example when toys are passed back and forth with parents. But in everyday life and in dealing with others, 'please' and 'thank you' should also be natural. From about two years old you can also remind children to say thank you, for example when a child has shared their cookies or when your child has received a gift.

Apologizing:

Always apologize to your child when you have made a mistake or, for example, accidentally bumped into them. This way very young children learn this behavior 'incidentally'. From 2 or 3 years old you can also settle disputes between friends and siblings by encouraging the quarrelling children to shake hands and apologize.

'I want':

'Want' or 'I want' is easier for toddlers to articulate than 'I would like'. But if you consistently use 'would like' instead of 'want' yourself and also ask your child 'Would you like to play a bit more?' then you create a good foundation.

Greeting and eye contact:

By kindergarten, children should already have learned that a greeting includes a friendly 'hello' with eye contact. Many children at three or four years old are still shy about giving their hand to other people. That doesn't have to be the case at this age - usually it's enough if you act as a role model.

Swear words:

Most often swear words only become interesting at kindergarten age. React consistently, whether your child is really angry or is simply enjoying the forbidden words. You should refrain from swear words at home from the outset so that no conflict of conscience arises for your child.

Table manners:

From the age of two most children can feed themselves with a spoon or fork. 'Enjoy your meal', 'please' and 'thank you' at the table should be taken for granted. You cannot yet expect 2- or 3-year-olds to sit quietly through an entire meal. However, shouting or throwing food should be taboo at this age. Not talking with a full mouth and not rocking the chair are further 'standards' that a child can learn from about 3–4 years.

Basic rules for good manners

• Be a role model:

  Your child also learns good manners by observing.

• Age-appropriate upbringing:

  Kindergarten children don't need perfect table manners.

• Praise a lot:

  Emphasize successes and encourage your child.

• Slip-ups:

  Whether intentional or unintentional – forgive and do not punish.

• Be consistent:

  Once learned, politeness and manners should always be observed.

• Explain:

  It helps children if they know why they should follow certain rules of behavior – talk about it.

Image credits

Toddler in a red sweater eats cake off the plate with its mouth © CarlosGLopez - stock.adobe.com