Age-appropriate upbringing instead of 'child training'

Good manners, like most parenting issues, are influenced by the spirit of the times. While at the beginning of the last century children were expected to behave like small adults and even addressed their parents often as 'Mr./Mrs.' and used the formal 'Sie', in the 1970s and 80s anti-authoritarian parenting became fashionable, where children were supposed to develop freely without rules and restrictions. Experience shows that neither extreme was particularly child-friendly.

Today a middle way has prevailed: most parents value good manners in their children, but want their children to learn what is appropriate without drill and as age-appropriately as possible. Qualities like empathy and helpfulness are encouraged, while rigid etiquette increasingly fades into the background.

From toddler to teenager - when do children learn good manners?

Children learn good manners from the very beginning—through good role models. All efforts are useless if you do not model good manners for your child. This also includes that you always treat your child politely and respectfully. Your child will quickly internalize this behavior as 'normal' and act accordingly.

Helpfulness:

Many one- and two-year-olds pick up things that have fallen as a matter of course or hand certain items like spoons or toys to mom and dad when asked. Even if it's more playful, thank your child when they have helped. You should refrain from giving a reward so that they do not in future associate helpfulness with an expectation.

Please and thank you:

Many children come into playful contact with "please" and "thank you" early on, for example when toys are passed back and forth with the parents. But in everyday life and in dealing with others, please and thank you should also be taken for granted. From about two years of age you can also remind children to say thank you, for example when a child has shared their cookies or when your child has received a gift.

Saying sorry:

Always apologize to your child if you have made a mistake or, for example, accidentally bumped into them. This way even very young children learn this behavior "along the way". From 2 or 3 years old you can also resolve disputes between friends and siblings by encouraging the quarrelers to shake hands and apologize to each other.

"I want":

"Want" or "I want" is easier for toddlers to articulate than "I would like". However, if you consistently use "would like" instead of "want" yourself and also ask your child more often "Would you like to play a bit more?", you create a good foundation.

Greeting and eye contact:

In kindergarten children should already have learned that a greeting includes a friendly "hello" with eye contact. Many children at three or four years old are still hesitant to shake hands with others. That does not need to be the case at this age either - usually it's enough if you function as a role model.

Swear words:

Usually Swear words are only of interest in kindergarten age. React consistently, regardless of whether your child is truly angry or simply finds the forbidden words amusing. You yourselves should refrain from using swear words at home from the start so that no conflict of conscience arises for your child.

Table manners:

From two years old most children can eat with a spoon or fork by themselves. "Enjoy your meal", "please" and "thank you" at the table should be taken for granted. You cannot yet expect two- or three-year-olds to sit quietly through a full meal. However, screaming or throwing food should be taboo at this age. Not speaking with a full mouth and not rocking on the chair are additional "standards" that a child can learn from ages 3-4.

Basic rules for good manners

• Be a role model:

  Your child also learns good manners by watching.

• Age-appropriate upbringing:

  Kindergarten children do not need perfect table manners.

• Praise a lot:

  Emphasize successes and encourage your child.

• Slip-ups:

  Whether intentional or unintentional – forgive and do not punish.

• Be consistent:

  Once learned, politeness and rules of conduct should always apply.

• Explain:

  It helps children if they know why they should follow certain rules of conduct – talk about it.

Image credits

Toddler in a red sweater eats cake from the plate with their mouth © CarlosGLopez - stock.adobe.com