Why do parents lie to their children?

Most parental lies fall into one of two categories:

1. Lies told to protect their child from distress or harm

2. Lies for parenting/disciplinary purposes

While protective lies are generally legitimate, parenting lies are a gray area: they are not necessary and are essentially an abuse of trust — yet few parents do not use this kind of lie from time to time in raising their children:

Motivation:

""You'll get strong from vegetables" or "That doesn't hurt at all" — such lies are meant to motivate children to do things they actually resist.

Threats:

"If you keep sulking, I'll leave you here" or "If you don't brush your teeth properly, they'll fall out." Parents use their children's fears to create calm or to push through disciplinary goals. Being left alone is usually children's number one fear.

Avoiding stress:

"I don't have any money on me" or "The toy store is already closed" — when parents know that endless discussions or screaming are likely, they often resort to a white lie to prevent stress beforehand.

These kinds of lies are not right, but they are understandable: children are not always receptive to explanations or calm discussions. Before having to deal with the next tantrum or dry tears, many parents unconsciously resort to a white lie.

Children recognize lies earlier than we think

Our relationship to lying is ambivalent: on the one hand it's considered wrong, on the other hand certain lies are socially accepted. When adults praise a friend's new haircut or say on the phone that they "unfortunately have no time", they usually do so to prevent disappointment and avoid causing offense. Children recognize these patterns early on. It becomes problematic when they are made accomplices by their parents. If a child has to cover up their parents' lies ("Mom isn't here ..."), this directly contradicts what is otherwise taught. That can unsettle children — and often they themselves begin to lie.

The big exceptions: In which situations is lying allowed?

Praise and self-confidence:

A scribbled picture, an unidentifiable lump of playdough, a crooked song on the recorder – through praise, children receive affirmation and develop self-confidence.

Fairy tales and imagination:

Exciting stories, little secrets and the thousand riddles of everyday life fascinate children and entertain them. Sometimes invented stories – like in the case of the pacifier fairy – also help children get through changes or losses. Many children listen spellbound when their parents 'spin yarn' – as long as such stories are not used to threaten or frighten children.

Protection:

If a lie helps avert great sorrow or harm from your child, then it is legitimate, especially if a child is too young to grasp abstract events like death. Nevertheless, protective lies should only serve as a stopgap until you have found a way to calmly and understandably explain the situation to your child.

Lies have short legs — especially in parenting

All parents know that lying is not okay — after all, most of them were raised that way. Tests show that it apparently has an immediate effect on children's behavior when they are lied to: children who discovered they had been lied to promptly began to tell untruths themselves. From this one can conclude that children perceive it as a kind of legitimization when they catch their parents or other caregivers in a lie.

Checklist. When is lying okay — and when is it not?

• Fairy-tale lies, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, are common – but can lead to great disappointment and loss of trust.

• Protective lies help to get through immediate situations and buy time for an age-appropriate explanation.

• Threatening lies can trigger abstract fears in children – better to avoid them.

• Praise lies affirm children and strengthen their self-confidence – as long as they are not too euphoric and unrealistic.

• Fantasy lies fascinate children – when in doubt you should explain to them that you are not telling the truth.

• Lies of convenience or to avoid a conflict — better to avoid them; children quickly see through this kind of lie and take it as legitimate.

Image credits

Son in a dark blue long-sleeve shirt talks with father © Rido – stock.adobe.com

Woman lies in bed with a girl and comforts her © Photographee.eu – stock.adobe.com

Dad has a crying son on his lap © Halfpoint – stock.adobe.com

Dad lies on his back, a brown-haired girl looks upside down into his eyes © opolja – stock.adobe.com