For what reasons do parents lie to their children?\r

Most parental lies can be assigned to one of two categories:\r

1. Lies to protect their child from sorrow or harm\r

2. Lies for disciplinary purposes

While protective lies are generally legitimate, disciplinary lies are a gray area: they are not necessary and are essentially an abuse of trust – but hardly any parent does not use this kind of lie from time to time in parenting:\r

Motivation:

""Eating vegetables will make you strong" or "That doesn't hurt at all" – such lies are meant to motivate children to do things they actually resist.\r

Threats:

"If you keep sulking, I'll leave you here" or "If you don't brush your teeth properly, they'll fall out." Parents use their children's fears to create calm or push through disciplinary goals. Being left alone is usually children's number-one fear.\r

Avoiding stress:

"I don't have any money on me" or "The toy store is already closed" – if parents know endless discussions or screaming are likely, they often resort to a white lie to prevent stress in advance.\r

These kinds of lies are not right, but they are understandable: children are not always open to explanations or rational discussions. Before having to deal with the next tantrum or dry tears, many parents unconsciously resort to a white lie.\r

Children recognize lies earlier than we think\r

Our attitude toward lying is ambivalent: on the one hand it's considered wrong, on the other hand certain lies are socially accepted. When adults praise an acquaintance's new haircut or say on the phone that they 'unfortunately have no time', they usually do so to prevent disappointment and avoid causing offense. Children recognize these patterns early. It becomes problematic when parents make them accomplices. If a child has to cover up their parents' lies ('Mom isn't here...'), that directly contradicts what is otherwise taught. This can unsettle children — and not infrequently they begin to lie themselves.\r

The big exceptions: In which situations is lying allowed?

Praise and self-confidence:

A scribbled picture, an unidentifiable lump of playdough, a crooked song on the recorder – through praise children receive affirmation and develop self-confidence.

Fairy tales and fantasy:

Exciting stories, little secrets and the thousand mysteries of everyday life fascinate children and entertain them. Sometimes invented stories – like in the case of the pacifier fairy – also help get through changes or losses. Many children listen spellbound when their parents spin yarn – as long as such stories are not used to threaten children or frighten them.

Protection:

If a lie helps to avert great sorrow or harm from your child, then it is legitimate, especially if a child is too young to grasp abstract events such as death. Nevertheless, protective lies should only serve as a stopgap until you have found a way to calmly and understandably explain the situation to your child.

Lies don't get you far – especially in parenting

All parents know that lying is not okay – after all, most of them were raised that way themselves. Tests show that it apparently affects children's behavior immediately when they are lied to: Thus children who discovered they'd been lied to promptly began to tell untruths themselves. One can conclude from this that children perceive it as a kind of legitimization when they catch their parents or other caregivers lying.

Checklist. When is lying okay – and when is it not?

• Fairy-tale lies, such as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, are widespread – but can lead to great disappointment and loss of trust.

• Protective lies help to get through acute situations and to find time for an age-appropriate explanation.

• Threat lies can trigger abstract fears in children – better to avoid them.

• Praise lies affirm children and strengthen their self-confidence – as long as they are not too euphoric and unrealistic.

• Fantasy lies fascinate children – when in doubt, you should clarify to them that you are not telling the truth.

• Convenience lies or to avoid a conflict are better avoided – children quickly see through these kinds of lies and accept them as legitimate.

Image credits

Son wearing a dark blue long-sleeve shirt talking with father © Rido – stock.adobe.com

Woman lying in bed with a girl and soothing her © Photographee.eu – stock.adobe.com

Dad has a crying son on his lap © Halfpoint – stock.adobe.com

Dad is lying on his back, a brown-haired girl looks upside-down into his eyes © opolja – stock.adobe.com