What is the tantrum phase?
From about two years of age, children discover that they are an independent person with their own will – which they then like to assert. For toddlers, the tantrum phase is therefore an important developmental milestone towards independence. On this path your child repeatedly reaches their limits. In that moment they are dissatisfied with themselves and that makes them angry. Your child doesn't plan their tantrum and is surprised by their own feelings, which suddenly well up inside them. In that moment your child doesn't know any other way to deal with their feelings and simply has to shout them out.
This can trigger a tantrum in children during the tantrum phase:
Hunger, thirst, tiredness
the desire to try things out themselves (putting on socks, spreading butter on bread, etc.)
being suddenly interrupted in play
no understanding of certain rules and prohibitions
Tip: Does your child often react aggressively or are the tantrums getting out of hand? On a separate page we have plenty of tips for you on the topic of "Children and Anger" compiled.
What do children learn from the tantrum phase?
When your child enters the tantrum phase, it can be overwhelming and nerve-racking at first. Suddenly they get angry and give clear vent to their feelings. But don't worry: You haven't done anything wrong in parenting. Every child sooner or later goes through the tantrum phase. And that's important, because during it they learn a great deal for their later life and continue to develop.
This is what your child learns in the tantrum phase:
They are an independent person with a sense of self
They have their own will and can live life with self-determination
They develop self-confidence and dare to try more
They master social interaction with other children
They understand frustration and can endure it
They start over after failure
The tantrum phase doesn't stop: What to do?
Usually the tantrum phase is usually over by around the sixth year of life. But what to do if the tantrum phase simply won't end? According to experts in developmental psychology, this may be because a child its emotional abilities has not yet fully developed. Emotional development includes three areas:
Recognizing & expressing emotions: The child can identify simple emotions such as joy, sadness or fear and express them verbally and with facial expressions.
Understanding emotions: The child recognizes the triggers of certain emotions and their expressions and knows how to react to them.
Regulating emotions: The child has developed certain strategies for dealing with feelings. If it is left to fend for itself in a situation, it can, for example, calm itself down.
To promote a child's emotional abilities, you can rely on certain games use. Recognizing emotions can be practiced by, for example, showing a child certain facial expressions in pictures that they should name. A child can practice understanding emotions by not only recognizing emotional expressions in pictures but also talking about how one would feel in the depicted emotional situation and how best to react.
Seven tips for children's tantrum phasen
You are not alone! Other parents also have stubborn and defiant children who drive them crazy. Maybe you can also discuss possible solutions with other parents. "It's only a phase" is probably a rather weak comfort when your child is right in the middle of it. At the latest most children have gotten past their tantrum phase by four or five years and with a bit of perspective you can probably laugh about it.
Here are seven first-aid tips from us for your child's tantrum phase:
Let your child try things by themselves if they want to. Don't immediately say "No" when your child wants to try something alone. If your child wants to go out without a jacket in rainy weather, let them: they'll quickly realize it's not a good idea and next time will put on a rain jacket by themselves. But they may also already master a new situation right away: for example, if putting on shoes alone succeeds, your child has a great success experience and develops self-confidence.
Calmly explain to your child why aggressive behavior is not acceptable. Hitting, biting and kicking are not okay – make that clear to your child. Calmly explain to them why that is. What your child absolutely doesn't need during a tantrum is scolding and punishment. A 'rage corner' can help in such situations. Set up a 'rage corner' in the child's room where your child can play-wrestle with pillows to their heart's content.
Consistently say "No" to certain things. Set clear boundaries for your little hothead and set rules. This way your child will soon get used to it and learn over time to deal better with their own feelings. The most important thing: carry it out consistently, even if there are many tears and screaming. Keep a cool head and explain the situation to your child as soon as they are ready to listen.
Remind yourself: this phase will pass! Encourage yourself and keep reminding yourself: it's only a phase that will end sooner or later. The emotional outburst is only related to the fact that your child cannot yet process new impressions well. An important tip: don't take it personally! The outburst rarely has anything to do with you as a parent.
Stay calm – shouting back yourself achieves little. Keep your composure, even if it's difficult. If you become angry yourself, it doesn't help your child. Show understanding for your little stubborn one, even if you don't immediately understand the trigger for the tantrum. Your child is probably at least as clueless as you are. When your child has slowly calmed down again, you can offer them an alternative. For example, let them put on the hat instead of the complicated shoes.
Don't let others unsettle you. It can sometimes be uncomfortable when your child has a tantrum in public. Often the people around watch the spectacle silently or, in the worst case, even comment on it. Don't let something like that unsettle you. People who interfere don't know you and your child and cannot assess the situation at all. Also talk to others.
Prepare your child for appointments like the doctor's or shopping. Before you go somewhere, prepare your child that you will be leaving soon. Then they won't be abruptly torn away from playing and a potential tantrum will be avoided.
Tip: Your child just won't listen to you? On a separate page we've compiled a few tips on the topic “My child doesn't listen” compiled for you.
Image credits:
Little boy kneeling on the floor, holding his feet with his hands and crying © jikoman - AdobeStock
Girl sitting cross-legged on the sofa, arms folded and looking sulky © PinkCoffee Studio - AdobeStock
