What is the defiant phase?

From around two years of age, children discover that they are an independent person with their own will — which they then like to assert. For toddlers, the defiant phase is therefore an important developmental step in the direction of independence. On this path your child repeatedly reaches their limits. At that moment they are dissatisfied with themselves and that makes them angry. Your child doesn't plan their tantrum and is surprised by the feelings themselves, which suddenly well up inside them. In that moment your child doesn't know any other way to deal with their feelings and simply has to scream them out.

These can trigger a tantrum during the defiant phase:

• Hunger, thirst, tiredness

• the desire to try things out by themselves (putting on socks, spreading butter on bread, etc.)

• being suddenly pulled away from playing

• no understanding of certain rules and prohibitions

Tip: Does your child often react aggressively or are the tantrums getting out of hand? On a separate page we've compiled lots of tips for you on the topic “Children and Anger” compiled.

What do children learn through the defiant phase?

When your child enters the defiant phase, it can be overwhelming and nerve-wracking at first. Suddenly they become angry and let their feelings out clearly. But don't worry: You haven't done anything wrong in parenting. it learns a whole lot for its later life and continues to develop.

This is what your child learns in the defiant phase:

• They are an independent person with a sense of self

• They have their own will and can go through life with self-determination

• They develop self-confidence and are more daring

• They master social interactions with other children

• They understand frustration and can tolerate it

• They start again after failure

The defiant phase won't stop: What to do?

Usually the defiant phase is typically over by about age six. But what to do when the defiant phase simply won't end? According to experts in developmental psychology, this may be because a child their emotional abilities has not yet fully developed. Emotional development encompasses three areas:

1. Recognizing & expressing emotions:The child can identify simple emotions such as joy, sadness or fear and express them verbally and through facial expressions.

2. Understanding emotions: The child recognizes the triggers of certain emotions and their expressions and knows how to respond.

3. Regulating emotions: The child has developed certain strategies for dealing with feelings. If it is on its own in a situation, it can, for example, calm itself down.

To promote a child's emotional abilities, you can use certain games to draw on. Recognizing emotions can be practiced by showing a child certain facial expressions in pictures and asking them to name them. A child can practice understanding emotions by not only recognizing emotional expressions in images but also talking about how one would feel in the depicted emotional situation and how best to react.

Seven tips for the defiant phase of childrenn

You are not alone! Other parents also have stubborn and defiant children who try their patience. Perhaps you can also talk with other parents about possible solutions. 'It's only a phase' is probably rather a weak consolation when your child is right in the middle of it. At the latest by four or five years most children have gotten past their defiant phase and with some distance you will probably be able to laugh about it.

Here are seven first-aid tips from us for your child's defiant phase:

1. Let your child try things themselves if they want to.Don't say 'No' right away when your child wants to try something on their own. If your child wants to go out without a jacket in rainy weather, let them: they will quickly realize it wasn't a good idea and will put on a rain jacket by themselves next time. Maybe they will also master a new situation straight away: if, for example, putting on shoes by themselves works, your child will have a great success experience and develop self-confidence.

2. Calmly explain to your child why aggressive behavior is not acceptable.Hitting, biting and kicking are not okay – make that clear to your child. Calmly explain why that is. What your child does not need at all during a tantrum are scolding and punishment. A 'rage corner' can help in such situations. Set up a 'rage corner' in the child's room where your child can roughhouse with pillows to their heart's content.

3. Say 'No' consistently to certain things.Set clear boundaries for your little troublemaker and lay out rules. This way your child will soon get used to them and will learn over time to better deal with their own feelings. The most important thing: be consistent, even if there are many tears and screaming. Keep a cool head and explain the situation to your child as soon as they are ready to take it in.

4. Keep in mind: this phase will pass!Cheer yourself on and keep reminding yourself: it's only a phase that will pass sooner or later. The outburst is only related to the fact that your child can't yet process new impressions well. An important tip: don't take it personally! The outburst rarely has anything to do with you as a parent.

5. Stay calm – shouting back yourself doesn't help much.Keep your composure, even when it's difficult. If you become angry yourself, it doesn't help your child. Show understanding for your little stubborn one, even if you don't immediately understand the trigger for the tantrum. Your child is probably at least as clueless as you are. When your child has slowly calmed down, you can offer them an alternative. For example, let them put on their hat instead of the complicated shoes.

6. Don't let others unsettle you.It can be uncomfortable at first if your child has a tantrum in public. Often the people around watch the spectacle silently or, in the worst case, comment on it. Don't let that unsettle you. People who interfere don't know you or your child and can't assess the situation at all. Talk to others as well.

7. Prepare your child for appointments like the doctor's or shopping.Before you go anywhere, prepare your child that you will be leaving soon. That way they won't be abruptly torn away from play and a possible tantrum can be avoided.

Tip: Your child just won't listen to you? On a separate page we've put together a few tips on the topic “My child doesn't listen” compiled for you.

Image credits:

Little boy kneeling on the floor, holding his feet with his hands and crying © jikoman - AdobeStock

Girl sitting cross-legged on the sofa, with her arms crossed and looking sulky © PinkCoffee Studio - AdobeStock