How do I know if my child is happy?

Are you happy? Most children can do little with this question – the concept of happiness is too abstract and their own emotional world too complex. Children can, in quick succession, frolic carefreely in the garden, stare out the window completely absorbed or throw a major tantrum – and none of these expressions of emotion has to be directly related to being happy or unhappy.

Less is more: In a time in which parents do everything to meet their children's needs optimally, their understanding of happiness does not always align with the children's needs. In trying to offer their children as much as possible, parents become restless event managers. Expensive vacations, music lessons and exciting outings are rather secondary as happiness factors – much more important is the time spent together and the feeling of having a fixed place in the family.

Negative emotions are part of it: No one is always in a good mood. Children also must be allowed to experience feelings such as sadness, anger or dejection, without parents 'persuading' them to be happy. It is better if you have a listening ear for your child, convey security to them and, if necessary, help to find a solution in conflict situations.

Every child is happy in their own way: Children show their emotions as differently as adults. A child who plays quietly and contentedly in their room does not have to be less happy than one who jumps around exuberantly and freely gives out hugs. Most parents have a pretty good sense of how their child is doing: trust your intuition and don't worry too much about the abstract concept of happiness – much more important is that you give your child the necessary conditions for being happy.

What children need to be happy …

Love: Unconditional love is the first prerequisite for happiness - parents' affection should be tied neither to achievements nor to the children's behavior.

Security: Children need to know where they stand - this applies to clear rules and announcements as much as to their parents' love.

Time: Time with parents, but also time with other children, for playing, romping, fooling around and sometimes time to do nothing.

Authenticity: Parents who show emotions and can admit mistakes are approachable and convey to their children the most important foundations for life together.

Role models: Role models offer children orientation and make the world comprehensible. Parents who are a good role model help their child find their place in this way.

A listening ear: An argument, a nice experience or last night's nightmare - children want to talk about a thousand things that move them in everyday life and need attentive listeners who take fears and wishes seriously. ...and what they don't necessarily need

"Optimal" support: Parents want the best for their children, but for their happiness children don't need extra classes; what they need above all is time and space to play.

The newest and most expensive toy: Too much overwhelms children quickly - and an overstuffed children's room takes away their space to let off steam and to become creative themselves.

A "firm hand": Consistency is important in upbringing - rigid hierarchies and demonstrations of power are not. Only when parents show understanding and respect towards their child can the child internalize these values themselves.