How do I know if my child is happy?

Are you happy? Most children can't make much of this question – the concept of happiness is too abstract and their own emotional world too complex. Children can, in quick succession, romp carefree in the garden, stare out the window completely absorbed, or have a first-class tantrum – and none of these emotional expressions has to be directly related to being happy or unhappy.

Less is more: In a time when parents do everything to meet their children's needs optimally, their understanding of happiness doesn't always match the children's needs. To provide as much as possible, parents become restless event managers. Expensive vacations, music lessons and exciting outings are rather secondary as factors of happiness – much more important is the time spent together and the feeling of having a secure place in the family.

Negative emotions are part of it: No one is always in a good mood. Children also need to be allowed to experience feelings like sadness, anger or dejection, without parents "persuading" them to be happy. It's better if you have an open ear for your child, provide them with security and, if necessary, help find a solution in conflict situations.

Each child is happy in their own way: Children show their emotions as differently as adults. A child who plays quietly and contentedly in their room does not have to be less happy than one who jumps around exuberantly and freely gives hugs. Usually parents have a pretty good sense of how their child is doing: trust your intuition and don't worry too much about the abstract concept of happiness – much more important is that you give your child the necessary conditions to be happy.

What children need to be happy …

Love: Unconditional love is the first requirement for being happy - parental affection should not be tied to a child's achievements or behavior.

Security: Children need to know what to expect - this applies to clear rules and directives as well as to their parents' love.

Time: Time with parents, but also time with other children, to play, romp, daydream and sometimes time to do nothing.

Authenticity: Parents who can show feelings and admit mistakes are approachable and provide their children with the most important foundations for living together.

Role models: Role models offer children orientation and make the world comprehensible. Parents who are good role models thus help their child find a place.

A listening ear: A quarrel, a nice experience or last night's nightmare - children want to talk about a thousand things that move them in everyday life and need attentive listeners who take fears and wishes seriously. ...and what they don't necessarily need

"Optimal" support: Parents want the best for their children, but for their happiness children don't need extra lessons; they mainly need time and space to play.

The newest and most expensive toy: Too much overwhelms children quickly - and an overstuffed children's room takes away their space to let off steam and to be creative on their own.

A "firm hand": Consistency is important in parenting - rigid hierarchies and demonstrations of power are not. Only when parents show understanding and respect toward their child can the child internalize these values themselves.