Parenting tips
Paternalism or sensible support?
Unsolicited parenting tips rarely go down well. This is all the more true when they are offered by more or less uninvolved people. Almost all parents have, at one time or another, received advice on the street, in the supermarket or when visiting childless friends about what they could do better with their child. The range of comments goes from the classic 'That wouldn't have happened in the past' to detailed instructions on how to get a child to eat vegetables. Such situations are annoying — and yet parents themselves are repeatedly tempted to interfere in other people's parenting. But when is it okay to give parenting advice?
Well, I'd do it differently ...
The classics among parenting tips
Just let your child cry for a while.
I wouldn't let my child sleep in the parents' bed.
Aren't you going to gradually wean him/her off diapers?
Are you still breastfeeding?
You always jump up immediately when your child wants something – that's how you spoil them.
An occasional smack doesn't hurt – otherwise children never learn discipline.
At 14 months in daycare already - isn't that far too early?
You need to take it more easy – then your child will be calmer.
It's all in the tone
Not entirely negative: Parenting tips, whether from experienced parents or the childless, aren't always out of place. An objective view of things can sometimes even be helpful in understanding one's own behavior.
Matter-of-fact and restrained: Spontaneous tips and blanket judgments mostly miss the mark. If you observe acquaintances with their child and feel that you can help, you should seek a conversation instead of ambushing them with advice. Important: emotions have no place in such conversations, but your own experiences do.
Right time, right place: The situation is crucial - if the child is having a tantrum or the family is stressed, no one likes to receive parenting tips. Wait for a calm moment and, if possible, speak to the parent alone - this way they won't feel exposed in front of others.
Show understanding: Be understanding if someone brusquely rejects a parenting tip. Maybe you would have reacted the same way. A dismissive attitude can be self-protection, because often parents themselves are insecure or doubt the success of their parenting. As a rule of thumb: offering advice is allowed, but so is refusing it.
From whom do you take parenting advice?
Good advice on parenting can be exhausting – but it can also give an important impulse. It depends on who it comes from, in what situation it is offered and, above all, in what tone. By the way, that's also a good rule of thumb when you yourselves are tempted to give parenting advice: ask yourselves when and from whom you would accept advice.
Grandparents: Grandma and Grandpa are often among a child's reference persons and for that reason already have a certain expertise in parenting matters. However, there is often a lack of necessary distance between one's own parents and oneself. A child's parents can quickly feel patronized by tips from the grandparents and involuntarily feel treated like a child again. But if the grandparents find the right tone, they can contribute a lot of good to parenting with their experience – and often already with the necessary calm.
Friends and acquaintances: Many parents discuss parenting issues with friends and acquaintances, especially if they have children of the same age. They belong to the same generation and probably share similar values and experiences, which makes it easier to accept advice. If it's a conscious exchange, everything is fine – it's also okay to disagree. Unsolicited parenting tips from friends, e.g. in conflict situations, quickly give parents the feeling of being inadequate in their role as parents.
Educators, teachers, coaches: Children spend a large part of their time in kindergarten and at school. Educators and caregivers therefore know your child quite well; they also see the children outside the protected space the family provides. Trained educators also know that all parents have their own parenting style – if they really determine a need for counseling, professional educators will always seek a conversation instead of giving unsolicited parenting tips.
Neighbors and distant acquaintances: If neighbors come up with a one-size-fits-all solution so that the children play more quietly or don't argue so often, then that is not only inappropriate but also rude. Instead of getting annoyed, parents should react with composure – often people are not even aware that their remark is out of place.
Discover more articles on parenting & psychology
Image credits
Mother and grandmother with toddler in front of the fireplace © primipil - stock.adobe.com
Mother and grandmother arguing with child on the sofa © zinkevych - stock.adobe.com
Grandfather, father and girl at the laptop © NDABCREATIVITY - stock.adobe.com