Why does my child refuse to go to bed?
When children don't want to sleep, there can be many different reasons. In toddlers it's often overtiredness or a lack of sense for the day-night rhythm: sometimes they are so hyper from the day that they can't calm down on their own, or they slept too long at midday or at an unusual time and are out of rhythm. But often it is also certain stimuli or experiences that throw toddlers 'out of sync' and prevent them from settling down in the evening. That can be a TV program (also children's TV), an unexpected visit or rough play with dad in the evening hours.
In addition, children first have to learn to recognize their tiredness as such. If they loudly insist, screaming, that they are not tired at all, they are usually truly convinced of it.
In primary school age it is less the battle to get them to go to bed that worries many parents, and more problems with falling asleep. The children now notice on their own that they are tired and go to bed voluntarily, but have difficulty getting to sleep. Often the day's experiences are the trigger for difficulties falling asleep: thoughts or worries, experiences that have not yet been processed. Some children are also afraid of missing out if mom and dad are still awake, or they feel they have not yet received their share of attention and affection for the day.
Learn more about sleep disorders in children here.
Settling down – how to make it work
Regular bedtimes: If possible, your child should go to bed at the same time every day. Small deviations at the weekend are normal, but they should not be too large.
Winding down: The hours before bedtime should be calm and 'low-stimulus' without roughhousing, TV or computer games. Better is quiet play or drawing, listening to an audio story or cuddling and talking with mom on the sofa.
Bedtime rituals: Recurring rituals such as a bedtime story, a lullaby or a CD of lullabies provide a sense of security and signal that the day is coming to an end.
Talk about the day: You can help kindergarten and primary school children process and finish the day's experiences by talking in the evening about everything that happened during the day. Regular 'talk time' not only builds trust, it also gives you a good sense of what is occupying your child right now.
Not too late and not too early: Find the right time for going to sleep — one that fits your child's needs and the family routine. Going to bed too late can hinder falling asleep just as much as bedtimes that are too early.
Does my child have to fall asleep on their own?
Everything is optional: In principle, of course, it is beneficial for everyone if a child can fall asleep on their own. In reality it often looks like mom or dad still sitting by the bed or cuddling in the child's bed until the child falls asleep. That is perfectly fine; the main thing is that your child can fall asleep calmly and feeling secure, because in this way they also sleep best at night.
Learning to fall asleep alone: If you feel that your child should gradually learn to fall asleep without you, they first need to understand why they should fall asleep alone. Explain to them that they are growing and becoming more independent, that maybe one day they will want to spend the night at a friend's without you, etc. — that will make the transition easier.
Most importantly: a sense of security: The most important thing is that as little as possible changes about the bedtime ritual. The bedtime story, the song and of course an extra cuddle should still be there so that your child feels safe. Maybe you will also give your child a new night light or a special cuddly toy to support falling asleep alone.
Patience and understanding: Maybe it won't work right away on the first evening, or maybe it simply won't work yet at all. Children's needs are very different, and if you notice that your child can't do without you in the evening, then you should accept that — maybe try again in half a year.
