Why does my child refuse to go to bed?

When children don't want to sleep, there can be many different reasons. In toddlers it's often overtiredness or a missing sense of day-night rhythm: sometimes they are so wound up from the day that they can't settle down on their own, or they napped too long at midday or at an unusual time and are out of rhythm. Often it's also certain stimuli or experiences that throw toddlers 'out of sync' and keep them from calming down in the evening. That can be a TV program (even children's TV), an unexpected visitor, or rough play with dad in the evening hours.

In addition, children first have to learn to recognize their tiredness as such. If they loudly insist that they are not tired at all, they usually really believe it.

In primary school age it's less the battle over going to bed that worries many parents, and more problems with falling asleep. The children now recognize on their own that they are tired and go to bed voluntarily, but have difficulties getting to sleep. Often the day's experiences trigger difficulties falling asleep: thoughts or worries, experiences that have not yet been processed. Some children are also afraid of missing out when mom and dad are still awake, or they feel they haven't yet received their share of attention and affection for the day.

Learn more about children's sleep disorders here.

Settling down — how it works

Fixed bedtimes: If possible, your child should always go to sleep at the same time. Small deviations at the weekend are normal, but they should not be too large.

Settling down: The hours before bedtime should be calm and 'low-stimulus' without rough play, TV or computer games. Better are quiet play or drawing, listening to an audio story, or cuddling and talking with mom on the sofa.

Bedtime rituals: Recurring rituals such as a bedtime story, a lullaby, or a CD of lullabies provide security and signal that the day is ending.

Talk about the day:You can help kindergarten and primary school children process and close the day's experiences by discussing in the evening everything that happened during the day. Regular 'talk time' not only creates trust, it also gives you a good sense of what is currently occupying your child.

Not too late and not too early: Find the right time to go to sleep — one that fits your child's needs and your family routine. Going to bed too late can hinder falling asleep just as much as bedtimes that are too early.

Does my child need to fall asleep alone?

• Everything is possible, nothing is mandatory: In principle it is of course beneficial for everyone if a child can fall asleep on their own. In reality, however, it often happens that mom or dad still sits by the bed or cuddles in the child's bed until the child falls asleep. That is completely fine; the main thing is that your child can fall asleep calmly and feeling secure, because that way they also sleep best at night.

• Learning to fall asleep alone: If you feel that your child should gradually start falling asleep without you, then first they need to understand why they should fall asleep alone. Explain to them that they are growing and becoming more independent, that maybe someday they will want to sleep over at a friend's without you, etc. — that will make the transition easier.

• Most important: feeling secure: The most important thing is that as little as possible changes in the bedtime ritual. The bedtime story, the song and of course an extra cuddling session should continue so that your child feels safe. Maybe you will also give your child a new night light or a special cuddly toy to help with falling asleep alone.

• Patience and understanding: It may not work right away on the first evening, or it may not work at all. Children's needs are very different, and if you notice that your child cannot do without you in the evening, then you should accept it — maybe try again in half a year.