The number and complexity of patchwork families is growing

From the stepfamily to the patchwork family: 

Stepfamilies also existed 100 years ago. Back then it was usually not a separation but the loss of a partner that led to a family being reformed. Many women died in childbirth, men fell in war or succumbed to illnesses. For economic reasons and to ensure their own children were provided for, widows and widowers sought new partners.

More and more patchwork families:

Today a patchwork family mainly forms when couples separate and meet new partners. According to current figures, almost 14% of German households with children under 18 are patchwork families. After the traditional family and single parents (16%), this is the third most common family type in Germany. Modern patchwork families branch out ever more, e.g. when both partners bring children into the relationship or when the separated parents each find a new partner with a child. Thus the patchwork family quickly becomes an extended family.

The biggest challenges in the patchwork family

Rose-colored glasses:

When a new partner comes into the picture after a separation or loss, many people react euphorically. Everything seems perfect and you can't imagine that anything could obstruct the path to shared happiness. The fact is, however, that in every patchwork family different ways of life, worldviews and parenting methods meet - you shouldn't underestimate this potential for conflict, especially at the beginning.

Perfectionism:

"This time I'll do everything right!" Many people tell themselves this after a failed relationship - and put enormous pressure on themselves and their partner. Instead of dreaming of the perfect new family, you should give yourselves, your new partner and your children time and space to grow into a family step by step.

Everything new?

For children in particular, it's a shock when their familiar world changes. Whether the parents have been separated for some time or the pain of separation is still fresh - if a 'replacement dad' or a 'replacement mom' comes into the family, if they suddenly have to share their parents' attention with other children or if a move is even on the cards, many children initially react with confusion. Changes should not all happen at once and under no circumstances should they occur without warning - otherwise there's a risk of falling into a 'hole'.

How to make the patchwork family work

What do we need? Every patchwork family is individual - what works in one family may fail in another. Try to take into account the needs and personalities of each family member when starting anew.

• Have patience:

  A new family doesn't come into being at the push of a button. Give all family members enough time to get used to the new situation and don't lose heart, even if there are many conflicts at the beginning.

• Find compromises:

  Living together with a new partner always also means bringing two different worldviews into harmony. This requires a great deal of willingness to compromise, especially when children are involved.

• Agree on parenting matters:

  Most conflicts in the patchwork family revolve around parenting matters. You should clearly define from the start whether a new partner will co-parent the other person's children as an equal and which parenting standards should apply.

• Accept ex-partners:

  Don't forget that your children or your new partner's children each still have another parent who is probably very important to them. Even if a friendly relationship with the ex-partners isn't possible, you should at least strive for objectivity.

• Address problems:

  Don't hope that problems with the new family constellation will solve themselves. Discuss difficulties openly and try to find a solution together. This takes some practice - perhaps you could set aside one day a week for such a conversation.

• Time alone with your child:

  Even if the joy over the new family is great - take time now and then just for you and your child. This quality time gives children security and helps them find their place in the patchwork family.

Image credits

Family photo © NDABCREATIVITY - stock.adobe.com