The number and complexity of patchwork families is increasing

From the stepfamily to the patchwork family: 

Even 100 years ago there were stepfamilies. Back then it was usually not a separation but the loss of a partner that led to the reformation of the family. Many women died in childbirth, men were killed in war or succumbed to illness. For economic reasons and to ensure their own children were cared for, widows and widowers sought new partners.

More and more patchwork families:

Today a patchwork family mainly arises when couples separate and meet new partners. According to current figures, almost 14% of German households with children under 18 are patchwork families. After the classic family and single parents (16%), this is the third most common family form in Germany. Modern patchwork families branch out more and more, e.g. when both partners bring children into the relationship or when the separated parents each find a new partner with a child. In this way the patchwork family quickly becomes an extended family.

The biggest challenges in the patchwork family

Rose-tinted glasses:

When a new partner comes into play after a separation or loss, many people react euphorically. Everything seems perfect and you cannot imagine that anything could stand in the way of your shared happiness. The fact is, however, that in every patchwork family different lifestyles, worldviews and parenting methods meet — you should not underestimate this potential for conflict, especially at the beginning.

Perfectionism:

'This time I'll do everything right!' Many people tell themselves this after a failed relationship — and put themselves and their partner under enormous pressure. Instead of dreaming of the perfect new family, you should give yourselves, your new partner and your children time and space to grow together as a family step by step.

Everything new?

Especially for children it is a shock when their familiar world changes. Whether the parents have been separated for a long time or the pain of the breakup is still fresh — when a 'replacement dad' or a 'replacement mom' joins the family, when parental attention suddenly has to be shared with other children, or when a move is imminent, many children initially react with confusion. Changes should not all come at once and by no means abruptly — otherwise there is a risk of falling into a 'hole'.

How to make the patchwork family work

What do we need? Every patchwork family is individual – what works in one family may fail in another. Try to consider the needs and personalities of each family member when starting anew.

• Be patient:

  A new family does not come into being at the push of a button. Give all family members enough time to get used to the new situation and do not lose heart, even if there are many conflicts at the beginning.

• Finding compromises:

  Living together with a new partner always means reconciling two different worldviews. This requires a lot of willingness to compromise, especially when children are involved.

• Agree on parenting issues:

  Most conflicts in a patchwork family revolve around parenting issues. From the outset you should clearly define whether a new partner will co-parent the other's children as an equal and which parenting standards should apply.

• Accept ex-partners:

  Do not forget that your children or your new partner's children each still have another parent who is probably very important to them. Even if a friendly relationship with the ex-partners is not possible, you should at least strive for objectivity.

• Address problems:

  Do not hope that problems with the new family constellation will solve themselves. Talk openly about difficulties and try to find a solution together. This takes some practice — perhaps set aside one day a week for such a conversation.

• Time alone with your child:

  Even if the joy over the new family is great — take time now and then just for you and your child. This quality time gives children security and helps them find their place in the patchwork family.

Image credits

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