What ideas do children have about death?

Children begin early to think about death and dying. Their perception of death, however, is quite different from that of adults. This is mainly because young children have a different understanding of 'alive' and 'not alive'. They perceive everything that moves, makes noise, or is active in some way as alive, even the telephone or the washing machine. Therefore they do not perceive 'dead' as a final state: in their world many things are temporarily not alive and then alive again.

'Forever' — that is difficult for children to grasp, and so they do not understand the finality of death. By elementary school age, children develop an increasingly nuanced understanding of death and gradually come to understand that all living beings must die, themselves included. Many now deal intensively with questions about their own death or the death of parents and siblings. They also by now know the causes of dying such as old age, illness, or accidents. Primary school children are very interested in everything that happens to the deceased after death — from the funeral, to questions about heaven or the decomposition of the body.

Death as part of life

Often long conversations are not necessary to explain death to your child: Show your child the flowers in the vase that have wilted and are 'dead'. If you see a dead bird by the roadside or the cat has caught a mouse, explain that animals also die and that they are no longer alive become. This helps your child understand that death is a part of life and that it cannot be undone.

Tips for conversations about death and dying

1. Be honest: Without frightening your child, you should explain that every living being must die. Children pick up a lot and are therefore more familiar with death and dying than many parents think. Don't tell fairy tales, because that will sooner or later put your child into a moral conflict.

2. Explain beliefs: Tell your child that nobody knows exactly what happens after death. Explain what you believe and make clear that there are many different ideas about what happens after death.

3. Call things by their name: Children take many things literally. Sugarcoating statements like 'Grandpa has fallen asleep forever' or 'Aunt has left us' can trigger fears in them: What if you simply don't wake up again? Explain that people die and why they die.

4. Allow thoughts about death: 'Mom, when will you die?' — you may have to swallow at this question. Children deal with things through concrete questions. You can help your child understand by answering their questions seriously and understandably and at the same time giving them the security they need to engage with the topic of death.

5. Allow grief: In the event of a death in the family or circle of friends, you should not hide your grief from your child. On the one hand your child will probably see through you anyway; on the other, it is important to recognize death as part of life and grief as part of death.

Don't leave me — death and separation anxiety

Dealing with the subject of dying can sometimes cause separation anxieties in children. Often this is the case when a close person has died unexpectedly. But also, if parents avoid all questions about death, children may react insecurely and suddenly cling to parents and caregivers. What if they suddenly disappear? In such cases it helps to talk about death calmly. Admit openly that no one knows, when a person will have to die, but that people usually only die when they are very old and — very importantly — that your child will never be alone.

Image credits

Sand runs through a girl's hands © Altanaka - stock.adobe.com

Child's hand holding the hand of an older person © Ltummy - stock.adobe.com