What ideas do children have about death?

Children begin very early to thoughts about death and dying In doing so, their perception of death is quite different from that of adults. This is mainly because young children have a different understanding of "alive" and "not alive". They regard everything as alive that moves, makes noises, or is active in some other way, even the telephone or the washing machine. Therefore they do not perceive "dead" as a final state: In their world many things are temporarily not alive and then alive again.

"Forever" – that's hard for children to grasp, so they don't understand the finality of death. By primary school age, children develop an increasingly a more differentiated understanding of death and gradually understand that all living beings must die, themselves included. Many now grapple intensely with the question of their own death or the death of parents and siblings. They also now know the causes of dying such as old age, illness, or accidents. Primary school children are very interested in everything that happens to the deceased after death – from the funeral, to questions about heaven, or the decomposition of the body.

Death as part of life

Often long conversations are not necessary to explain death to your child: Show them the flowers in the vase that have wilted and are "dead". If you see a dead bird by the roadside or the cat has caught a mouse, explain that animals die too and that they are no longer alive. This way your child understands that death is a part of life is and that it cannot be undone.

Tips for conversations about death and dying

1. Be honest: Without making your child afraid, you should explain that every living being must die. Children pick up on a lot and are therefore more familiar with the topics of death and dying than many parents believe. Don't tell fairy tales, because that will sooner or later plunge your child into a conflict of conscience.

2. Explain beliefs: Tell your child that no one knows exactly what happens after death. Explain what you believe and make it clear that there are many different ideas about what happens after death.

3. Name things clearly: Children take many things literally. Euphemisms like "Grandpa has gone to sleep forever" or "Aunt has left us" can trigger anxieties in them: What if you also just don't wake up? Explain that people die and why they die.

4. Allow thoughts about death: "Mom, when will you die?" – you may have to swallow at that question. Children deal with things through concrete questions. You can help your child to understand by answering their questions seriously and understandably and at the same time giving them the reassurance they need to engage with the topic of death.

5. Allow grief: In the event of a death in the family or circle of friends, you should not hide your grief from your child. On the one hand your child will probably see through you anyway, on the other hand it is important to perceive death as part of life and grief as part of death.

Don't leave me – death and fears of loss

Dealing with dying can sometimes trigger fears of loss in children. Often this is the case when a close person has died unexpectedly. But also, when parents avoid all questions about death, children can react insecurely and suddenly cling to parents and caregivers. What if they suddenly disappear? In such cases it helps to calmly talk about death. Admit that no one knows, when a person will die, but that people normally only die when they are very old and — very importantly — that your child will never be alone.

Image credits

Sand running through a girl's hands © Altanaka - stock.adobe.com

Child's hand holding an older person's hand © Ltummy - stock.adobe.com