Helicopter parents – What's behind the term?

Keyword "helicopter parents": The English term "helicopter parents" was originally coined in the USA and quickly became synonymous with a new generation of parents who are always present to protect, guide, and entertain their children. They hover constantly over the children's heads and accompany them at every step – like helicopters from a police search unit.

Changed perception of children: In the meantime, the term has also become established in German. After all, helicopter behavior among parents is widespread here as well. Why is that? Perhaps because perceptions of children and childhood in general have changed. Today, children are born as long-planned desired children, who are supposed to grow up under the most perfect conditions possible. Parents who have already built careers before starting a family are used to actively controlling processes instead of simply letting things take their course.

Fear of failing as a parent? Not infrequently, overly engaged parents are simply driven by fear. Fear of not being able to provide enough for the child, fear of not promoting them sufficiently and preparing them for the future, fear above all of what evil might happen out there in the world. All parents are familiar with these doubts — they are as much a part of parenting as the fact that you have to let your children go bit by bit in order to pave the way for their lives.

Helicopter mum – what does that do to a child?

All parents basically have the same goal: to let their children grow up safe and happy. Helicopter parents, however, go well beyond that goal. Instead of letting their children run around outdoors, they arrange afternoon activities and extra-curricular programmes, plan their child's free time and step in at the first sign of a challenge. A typical example is parents who intervene straightaway in minor conflicts between their child and classmates or teachers to defend them, who shadow their child at every turn and would, if they could, even come on the school trip to make sure nothing happens, and who insist that the class outing must not be a cycling trip because that would be far too strenuous for the children.

But what does this behaviour do to children? Even though helicopter children are often given every possible advantage, their parents' constant anxiety mainly conveys a lack of self-confidence. Parents who take on every task and decision for their child suggest above all one thing: You can't do it on your own. But children who never get the chance to discover their own abilities miss out on important successes as well as formative defeats. That makes them complacent – why show initiative when someone else will sort it out? – and makes it harder for them to take responsibility.

How much of a helicopter mum are you?

Where is the line between care and overprotection? What counts as healthy parental calm, and what might already be read as indifference?

It's not always easy to place your own behaviour on that scale. Especially when parents stand up for their position with carers or teachers, they are quickly labelled helicopter parents. It's only natural to want to support your child in crisis situations. But when does your involvement go too far? In most cases the answer comes from your child itself. Parents who take an active interest in their child's life and have learned to recognise their needs usually have a pretty good sense of what they can reasonably expect of their child and what they cannot. That will repeatedly be accompanied by fears and doubts – and that's also an essential part of learning to let go, which helps children become responsible, independent people.

Have the courage to be calm

Checklist for a happy childhood

• Let your child have their own experiences and make their own mistakes

• Listen to your child instead of making what you believe are the best decisions for their life

• Trust your child's abilities and personality

• Give them time and space to develop freely without a plan or obligations

• Forget perfectionism — no child has to be able to do or know everything

• Learn to let go, but always be there when your child really needs you