Actions, not words: Parents as role models

Taught or internalized?

Eat your vegetables! Say thank you! Why don't you go outside and play? These kinds of phrases have long been standard in child-rearing. Of course children respond to such prompts – but don't all parents ultimately want their children to do the right thing on their own? How do you behave?

We all know how important courtesy and consideration are, but do we ourselves also act accordingly?

• Do you greet others when you quickly pop into the bakery or enter the crowded waiting room at the doctor's?

• Do you apologize if you bump into a fellow passenger on the bus or accidentally jostle your child at home?

• Do you treat the clumsy waitress or the slow cashier with the same respect as everyone else?

Behave as you expect others to.

– that is the widely known principle for harmonious coexistence with others. At the same time it is also the core of being a role model. The values you want to pass on to your children don't have to be preached to them, but demonstrated. That sounds easier than it is, because many behaviors have become ingrained over the years and very few adults question their own actions.

Authentic rather than perfect:

Of course we all have good and bad days. Being a role model isn't about being as perfect as possible. Children need authentic role models whose behavior they can understand and assess – that way they internalize the values we want to teach them.

Parents in the mirror: Am I a good role model?

Respect and courtesy:

Children observe their parents' behavior in everyday life and mirror it – consciously or unconsciously. Therefore it makes little sense to admonish your child to say „please" and „thank you" if you yourself neglect polite forms in dealing with other people.

But beyond the usual phrases you can also teach your child courtesy and respect in everyday life, for example by letting them finish speaking, apologizing when something has gone wrong, and keeping a calm, respectful tone.

Physical activity:

Parents who don't want their child to spend the day on the couch or in their bedroom should ask how active they themselves are. You don't need to be a gym member: shared walks and bike rides, rough-and-tumble play, or ball games show children that movement is fun – even without preaching.

Eating:

Conflicts at the dinner table are common in many families. But how is a child supposed to accept that they have to eat their cauliflower if mom or dad would rather skip it themselves? “Healthy” and “unhealthy” foods are abstract concepts for children – it's far more effective when parents lead by example with their own eating habits. The same of course applies to table manners: if mom is reading the newspaper at breakfast, it's not surprising if the child starts playing with their food.

Television, video games and the Internet:

Should children watch less TV and rather occupy themselves with a book or a game, while parents have their smartphone in hand at every spare moment? Today, where many books are also available online and media for children are increasingly interactive, the boundaries between reading, playing and passive consumption are blurred. Nevertheless, children's media behavior is strongly shaped by their parents' example – and from the very beginning.

How it works: basic rules for being a role model

• Authenticity: You don't have to be perfect – but be authentic in your actions

• Reflect: Critically observe your own behavior – what do you want to model for your child?

• Courtesy: Treat not only your child but all people with the courtesy you expect yourself

• Respect: Let your child finish speaking and respect their needs

• Honesty: Admit when you've made a mistake or when you can't do something

• Tolerance: Have understanding for small weaknesses or fears

• Consistency: Keep your word – the better your child can predict your behavior, the more confident they will be in their decisions

Image credits

Father with young daughter building a wooden birdhouse outdoors © Halfpoint - stock.adobe.com

Mother washes her hands together with child © Alexis Scholtz/peopleimages.com - AdobeStock

Father having fun with his little son with a soccer ball © Drobot Dean - stock.adobe.com

Boy helps his father clean the kitchen unit © Nikish Hiraman/peopleimages.com - AdobeStock