Don't talk, do: Parents as role models

Taught or internalized?

Eat your vegetables! Say thank you! Why don't you go outside to play? Such sentences have always been standard in child-rearing. Of course children respond to such instructions – but don't all parents actually wish that their children would do the right thing on their own initiative? How do you behave?

We all know how important politeness and consideration are, but do we ourselves also act accordingly?

• Do you greet others when you quickly pop into the bakery or enter the doctor's office with a full waiting room?

• Do you apologize when you bump into a fellow passenger on the bus or when you accidentally shove your child at home?

• Do you treat the clumsy waitress or the slow cashier with the same respect as everyone else?

Behaving as you expect from others

– that is the well-known principle for harmonious coexistence with other people. At the same time it is also the core of the role model function. The values you want to convey to your children do not have to be preached to them, but shown by example. That sounds easier than it is, because many behaviors have become ingrained over the years and very few adults question their own actions.

Authentic instead of perfect:

Of course we all have good and bad days. The role-model function is not about being as perfect as possible. Children need authentic role models whose behavior they can understand and assess – this way they internalize the values we want to teach them.

Parents in the mirror: Am I a good role model?

Respect and politeness:

Children observe their parents' behavior in everyday life and reflect it – consciously or unconsciously. Therefore it makes little sense to admonish your child to say 'please' and 'thank you' if you yourself neglect polite behavior in dealing with other people.

But beyond the usual phrases you can also teach your child politeness and respect in everyday life, for example by letting them finish speaking, apologizing when something has gone wrong, and maintaining a calm, respectful tone.

Physical activity:

Parents who don't want their child to spend the day on the sofa or in the bedroom should ask themselves how active they are themselves. You don't have to be a gym member: walks and cycling together, rough-and-tumble play or ball games give children a enjoyment of movement – even without preaching.

Eating:

Conflicts at the dining table are part of daily life in many families. But how is a child to see that it must eat its cauliflower if mom or dad would rather skip it themselves? 'Healthy' and 'unhealthy' food are abstract terms for children – much more effective is when parents lead by example through their own eating habits. This of course also applies to table manners: if mom reads the newspaper at breakfast, it's not surprising when the child starts playing with their food.

Television, computer games and the Internet:

Children should not watch so much TV but rather occupy themselves with a book or a game, while the parents have their smartphone in their hand every free minute? Today, where many books are also available online and media for children are increasingly interactive, the boundaries between reading, playing and passive consumption are blurring. Nevertheless, children's media behavior is strongly shaped by their parents' example – and from the very beginning.

How to make it work: basic rules for being a role model

• Authenticity: You don't have to be perfect – but be authentic in your actions

• Reflect: Critically observe your own behavior – what do you want to model for your child?

• Politeness: Treat not only your child but all people with the politeness you yourself expect

• Respect: Let your child finish speaking and respect their needs

• Honesty: Admit when you have made a mistake or when you can't do something

• Tolerance: Be understanding of small weaknesses or fears

• Consistency: Keep your word – the better your child can assess your actions, the more confident they will be in their decisions

Image credits

Father with young daughter building a wooden birdhouse outdoors © Halfpoint - stock.adobe.com

Mother washes hands together with child © Alexis Scholtz/peopleimages.com -AdobeStock\r\n

\rFather having fun with his young son with a soccer ball © Drobot Dean - stock.adobe.com

Boy helps his father clean the kitchen worktop © Nikish Hiraman/peopleimages.com -AdobeStock