Why won't my child listen – and how can I deal with it?
There are many reasons why a child doesn't listen. And our children not listening to us is reason number one why we as parents feel helpless and end up scolding. But what's behind it and how can we, as parents, deal with it?
Temper tantrums: Everyone knows the notorious tantrum phase of toddlers. Sometimes it can feel as though it won't end until adolescence and simply carries on into it. The so‑called “defiance” is more about a child's striving for autonomy during phases when they increasingly experience themselves as effective agents.
Our tips on how you can handle your children's tantrums:
Recognise the autonomy phase as an important part of your child's development – this is completely normal.
Remember: the tantrum isn't directed at you! (Even if it sometimes seems that way)
Set boundaries for your child without scolding – with patience and consistency.
2. Daydreaming: Sometimes it's simply daydreaming that stops the child from listening — for example because they are so absorbed in their play.
Our tips for you:
Be understanding – your child isn't trying to annoy you; they simply love playing.
Make eye contact and connect with your child – that will win their attention much more quickly than scolding.
Allow extra time for situations where your child tends to dawdle dreamily – it takes the pressure off
3. Habit: Sometimes not wanting to listen is simply a learned behaviour. If your child is used to you tidying up after the third reminder or giving up on your request, this behaviour quickly becomes second nature.
Our tips for you:
Remain lovingly consistent: even if it initially takes a lot of perseverance – this is how your child learns quickest that you mean what you say.
Stay connected: All too quickly we find ourselves saying defiantly, “I'll do it myself then” – but that harms you and your relationship with your child. Keep at it – it's worth it!
Praise or Criticism? – What is right?
In the past, punishments were common in child-rearing: at home and at school they ranged from standing in the corner to the cane. Fortunately, such authoritarian methods are no longer appropriate today and corporal punishment of children is clearly prohibited.
Non-violent upbringing is enshrined in law
Every child in Germany has a legally guaranteed right to a non-violent upbringing. And that is a good thing, because violence, both physical and psychological, leaves deep wounds in a child's soul that they often still struggle with as adults. Foregoing physical and psychological violence does not mean leaving children to their own devices. A so-called "antiauthoritarian" style of upbringing, which emerged in the 1970s as a reaction to the long period of authoritarian child-rearing that preceded it, is not necessarily the solution. Rather, it is about setting boundaries for children without disregarding their own boundaries.
Setting boundaries creates a sense of security
Through consistent and loving boundaries children gain a sense of guidance and the feeling that their parents are interested in what they do. As parents, you show your child that they are important to you and that they are safe and well cared for .
At the same time, they can test themselves, experience their own ability to influence situations and develop independence. For children it is very important to feel that they are fundamentally valuable and loved and held in a secure relationship with their parents. Then a feeling of security.
Are punishments appropriate?
Boundaries are important; punishments, however, are in most cases humiliating to a child's psyche. They demonstrate the parents' power and tend to harm the parent–child relationship rather than achieve educationally valuable goals.
How praise can inspire
Praise is overall a much stronger incentive for children than punishment. We often feel motivated ourselves when we are praised – much more than by the fear of punishment.
We all love appreciation. An honest 'You did that really well!' helps us move forward. This is of course especially true for children. At any age – children who are appreciated grow because of it.
Tip: Appreciation should above all also be offered without any achieved performance. A 'it's nice that I have you' or 'I'm so glad we have time for each other today' fills your children's emotional tank with love.
How love, praise and appreciation benefit your child
Strengthens self‑efficacy:
A sense of self‑efficacy is an essential part of healthy self‑confidence. It is the belief that you can make a difference: “I am not just dependent on others; I am already big and strong, and if I want something I can achieve it.”
Encourages sociability:
Through loving praise your child can develop important social skills such as helpfulness, empathy, care and fairness. “I learn what helps others, I receive support and I want to support others too.”
Supports skills:
Especially through descriptive praise, a child can learn to plan and carry out actions. “It’s good when I concentrate on my homework and afterwards I have even more time to play.”
Increases motivation:
Your child learns that effort and continued attempts pay off, and develops the motivation to improve and the optimism that they can reach their goals. “Even when something is difficult for me, I don’t give up; I keep trying until I succeed.”
Provides guidance:
Praise gives your child feedback about which behaviour is seen as positive. It serves as a reliable guide to values and rules they can follow. This way your child can form a clear picture of what they can already do, what they are allowed to do and what they are not — and why.
Provides security in the relationship:
Through appreciation your child experiences being seen by you as parents. They feel supported and accepted in the relationship. “My parents care about what I do. And they like the way I do it.”
Praise and blame — or neither? Trust your instincts!
Everyday life with children repeatedly presents challenges for us as parents. We often reach our limits. There are many tips and recommendations on how family life works best. Our top three:
Trust your instincts! As parents you sense what is best for your family — and, incidentally, so do your children!
Show your children appreciation and the feeling that they are good just as they are — that gives security and self‑confidence
Be forgiving of yourselves, when you do end up scolding or reproaching — you don't have to be perfect as parents!
Discover more articles on parenting & psychology
Image credits
Woman scolds child at the table © etonastenka - AdobeStock
Dad holds crying son on his lap © Halfpoint - AdobeStock
Dad holds girl tightly against him © Halfpoint - AdobeStock
Mother and child of color sit on the floor © Yakobchuk Olena - AdobeStock
Father praises his son while they work together at the table © ArtSys - AdobeStock