Why doesn't my child listen – and how do I deal with it?
There are many reasons why a child doesn't listen. And the fact that our children don't listen to us is reason number one why we as parents end up feeling helpless and start scolding. But what's behind it and how can we, as parents, deal with it?
Tantrum phases:Everyone knows the notorious temper-tantrum phase of toddlers. Sometimes it feels as if this phase won't end until puberty and then continues into it. The perceived "defiance" is more a striving for autonomy during phases in which children increasingly experience themselves as effective.
Our tips on how you can handle your children's defiance:
Acknowledge, as parents, the autonomy phase as an important part of your child's development – it's all completely normal.
Remember: the defiance is not directed at you! (Even if it sometimes seems that way)
Set limits for your child without scolding – with patience and consistency.
2. Dreaminess: Sometimes it's simply dreaminess that prevents the child from listening, for example because they are so absorbed in their play.
Our tips for you:
Be understanding – your child doesn't want to annoy you, they simply love to play.
Make eye contact and connect with your child – that way you gain their attention much more easily than by scolding.
Allow extra time for situations in which your child likes to dawdle dreamily – this reduces the pressure
3. Habit: Sometimes the unwillingness to listen is simply a learned behavior. If your child is used to you cleaning up after the third reminder or giving up on your request, this behavior quickly becomes second nature.
Our tips for you:
Stay lovingly consistent: even though it initially requires a lot of perseverance – this is how your child learns fastest that you mean it.
Stay connected: All too quickly we have a defiant „then I'll just do it myself“ on our lips – but doing so harms you and the relationship with your child. Keep at it – it's worth it!
Praise or criticism? – What is right?
In the past, punishments in childrearing were normal; in family and school this ranged from standing in the corner to the cane. Fortunately today such authoritarian educational methods are no longer appropriate and physical violence against children is clearly prohibited.
Non-violent upbringing is the law
Every child in Germany has a legally anchored right to a non-violent upbringing. And that is a good thing, because violence, both physical and emotional, leaves deep wounds in a child's soul that they often still struggle with as adults. Abstaining from physical and emotional violence does not mean leaving children to their own devices. A so-called 'antiauthoritarian' parenting style, as followed in the 1970s in reaction to the long-standing authoritarian childrearing that preceded it, is not necessarily the solution. Rather, it is about, Setting limits for children without disregarding their own boundaries.
Setting boundaries creates a sense of security
Through consistent and loving boundaries children receive a orientation and the feeling that their parents are interested in what they do. As parents, you show your child that it is important and that it is with you safe and well cared for is.
At the same time, it can try things out, experience its own ability to influence and develop independence. For children it is very important to feel that they are fundamentally valuable and loved are and are held in a secure relationship with their parents. Then a feeling of security.
Are punishments appropriate?
Boundaries are important; punishments, on the other hand, are in most cases humiliating for the child's psyche. They demonstrate the parents' power and are more likely to damage the relationship between parent and child than to achieve pedagogically valuable goals.
How praise can inspire
Praise is overall a much stronger incentive for children than punishment. We ourselves also often feel motivated when we are praised – much more than by the fear of punishment.
We all love appreciation. An honest 'You did a great job!' helps us move forward. This is of course especially true for children. Regardless of age – children who are appreciated grow from it.
Tip: Appreciation should above all be given even without any achievement. A 'it's nice that I have you' or 'I'm so glad we have time for each other today' fills your children's emotional tank with love.
How love, praise and appreciation benefit your child
Strengthens self-efficacy:
The sense of self-efficacy is an essential component of healthy self-confidence. It is the belief that you can make a difference: „I am not just dependent on others, but I am already big and strong, and if I want something, I can achieve it.“
Promotes sociability:
Through loving praise your child can develop important social skills such as helpfulness, empathy, caring and fairness. „I learn what is good for others, I receive support and I want to support others too.“
Supports competencies:
Especially through descriptive praise a child can learn to plan and carry out actions. „It's good when I concentrate on doing my homework and afterwards I have that much more time to play.“
Increases motivation:
Your child learns that effort and continuous attempts pay off, and develops the motivation to improve and the optimism that they can reach their goals. „Even when something is difficult for me, I don't give up but keep trying until I succeed.“
Provides guidance:
Through praise your child receives feedback about which behaviour is experienced as positive. It serves as a secure guide regarding values and rules they can follow. Your child can thus form a clear picture of what they can already do, what they are allowed to do and what not, and why not.
Provides security in the relationship:
Through appreciation your child experiences being seen by you as parents. They feel held and accepted in the relationship. „My parents are interested in what I do. And the way I do it, they think it's good.“
Praise and blame — or neither? Trust your gut!
Daily life with children repeatedly presents us as parents with challenges. We often reach our limits. There are many tips and recommendations for how family life works best. Our top 3:
Trust your gut! As parents you sense what is best for your family. Just like your children, by the way!
Show your children appreciation and the feeling that they are fine just as they are – that gives security and self-confidence
Be forgiving with yourselves, when scolding and reprimanding does happen – you don't have to be perfect as parents either!
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Image credits
Woman scolding a child at the table © etonastenka - AdobeStock
Dad holding a crying son on his lap © Halfpoint - AdobeStock
Dad holds a girl tightly against him © Halfpoint - AdobeStock
Mother and child of color sitting on the floor © Yakobchuk Olena - AdobeStock
Father praises his son while they work together at the table © ArtSys - AdobeStock