Is rivalry between siblings normal?

Sibling rivalry as an instinct: In nature, rivalry between siblings is very pronounced: For example, in a litter of dogs or pigs the larger animals push the smaller ones away from the teats – if necessary, until the weakest babies die off.

Rivalry as an incentive: To a certain extent, competing among siblings is normal and even useful – it motivates the younger ones to learn and can, in some cases, even strengthen the sibling relationship when the older siblings take on the role of 'teacher'.

Struggle for parental love: Most parents believe they treat their children equally. But this is usually not the case. Almost always one child is unconsciously or consciously favored. When children sense this, it can actually fuel the competition and strain the sibling relationship.

He's allowed to do a lot more than I am!

When children feel they are being treated unfairly Children experience things subjectively and often feel they are treated unfairly compared to their siblings. It annoys the older siblings when they have to take on more tasks or are expected to be 'the sensible ones'. The younger ones find it unfair that the older ones are allowed to stay up later or go to friends' houses alone. Middle children are often caught in the middle: depending on the situation they sometimes count as the younger, sometimes as the older – and almost always feel disadvantaged. According to psychologists, birth order is a decisive factor in how children's personalities develop.

Studies also suggest that the feeling of unfairness among siblings can be justified: on average, parents spend considerably more time with the firstborn during their first years of life than with later-born children – simply because everyday stress increases with a second and third child and routines develop in childcare. This does not necessarily mean the younger children are disadvantaged. As long as parents succeed in responding to each child according to their needs, sibling rivalry usually remains limited.

How can sibling rivalry be avoided?

Don't compare children: Comparing siblings only reinforces competition. Refrain from remarks that one child learned to ride a bike earlier or can listen better than the other - each child needs to be supported in their personality and abilities in order to develop a healthy self-confidence.

Put different abilities into perspective: When a child tries in vain to draw a circle or tie their shoes, the older siblings quickly say 'You can't do that, you're too small!' That often causes frustration - and if you scold, the older child is also frustrated, after all they told the truth. It's better if you put such statements into perspective, for example by saying 'When you're as old as your brother / sister is now, you'll be able to tie your shoes all by yourself.'

Turn competitors into partners: When siblings help each other, competition usually falls by the wayside. The older ones feel comfortable in their role as teachers and the younger ones enjoy the attention and are eager to learn new skills. Of course there are also arguments here, not least because older siblings are not particularly patient teachers. Nevertheless, you should occasionally and unobtrusively encourage your children to help each other.

One-on-one time: If possible, you should spend some time alone with each child now and then, without the siblings. Plan activities that are difficult with younger/older siblings, for example going swimming or a reading session with their favorite books. This affirms and strengthens children for everyday family life.

How can I prevent jealousy toward the new baby sibling?

When a new sibling is on the way, many children are happy and proud to soon be a big brother or big sister. But when the baby arrives and demands mom and dad's attention from morning to night, many children react with jealousy. Of course you can talk to your child during the pregnancy to prepare them for the big change – but it is equally important to give the 'big' child enough attention when the baby is born so that rivalry doesn't arise in the first place.