A child also lies for a good reason

Let's be honest: It happens to all of us every day in our dealings with others - we lie through our teeth! For example:

• When we say we're too busy, even though we simply don't feel like making plans.

• When we have someone tell a chatty friend that we're not there when she calls.

• We even encourage our children to lie: 'Now you have to thank them for the lovely gift!' - even though our child doesn't like dolls at all and much more wished for a remote-controlled car.

Children cannot initially distinguish these small lies - white lies told out of politeness - from big lies. They learn this gradually by watching us closely.

'It wasn't me!' - Why children lie

There are different reasons, why children lie. In young children, the lie is an expression of a lively imagination, which still has very fluid boundaries to reality. Wishful thinking can also play a role: 'My dad can lift a house, really!' Not until about the age of four can children consciously tell a lie.

Children lie out of shame:

Often shame plays a role in lying. We adults know that too. For example, when we've procrastinated on an important task at work. When the boss brings it up, we feel guilty. Then people sometimes resort to a white lie. Children also feel shame, when they have done something 'wrong' or when they bring bad grades home.

Children lie out of fear of punishment:

With bad grades and inappropriate behavior, the child may possibly be afraid of their parents' reaction. It fears disappointing you, or fears that the 5 in math will have unpleasant consequences - that it will be scolded or have to spend the whole afternoon studying. Children naturally want to avoid that at all costs.

Children lie because they want attention:

When a child lies and invents stories, it may have to do with the fact that it seeks attention seeks. It is secondary whether the attention is positive or negative turns out. That's why it's sometimes hard for adults to understand this motive.

What to do when children lie?

How can we recognize the reasons behind the lying and react appropriately? Here are a few tips on how you can deal with it when your child lies:

No punishments:

The most important tip: Stay calm! Because punishments usually have the opposite effect. Remember: Childish lying isn't a crime. Instead of scolding, you can calmly show your child that you know it's not telling the truth, and work with them to find out why they did it.

Allow mistakes:

Convey to your child, that you always love them, no matter what they do. If mistakes are allowed, lying isn't so important anymore. Explain to your child that you trust them and that it's important to be honest. You can do this even if you're not exactly sure whether your child is lying. As the child gets older, their lies also become more complex.

Humor helps:

It can also help to take the lie with humor. That relaxes the situation. If you, together with your child can laugh about a white lie can, it strengthens the bond and the trust.

Encourage and praise:

Help your child take responsibility for their actions and stand by themselves - give them the opportunity to make amends for the lie, for example by apologizing, or by repairing the damage done. And remember to praise your child for that!

Be a role model:

Children learn best from your example. Don't lie to your child, but explain delicate matters to them in an age-appropriate way. We adults also have to learn to stand by our actions. 'I'm happy you called, but I'm so exhausted right now; let's talk another time so I can really listen to you.' Not so easy? For our children, a valuable learning experience! Because what mom and dad do, children learn too.

Image credits

Mother touches her little daughter's nose while she sits on the sofa with her husband © Yakobchuk Olena - stock.adobe.com

Child sits alone in the room with a teddy on a white carpet © Tomsickova - stock.adobe.com

Mother and child wash their hands together © Alexis Scholtz/peopleimages.com - stock.adobe.com