Aggressive behavior in children

This is how children learn to deal with their emotions

Controlling one’s own emotions is one of the most important learning processes for children – and for many adults the issue of impulse control is far from resolved: who doesn’t have an acquaintance who tends to have outbursts of anger or suddenly withdraws feeling offended? For children to learn to deal with their feelings, you must first be able to recognize and classify them. This presupposes that extreme emotions like anger and disappointment are not forbidden, but may be expressed.

Early coping strategies:

Children develop their own strategies very early to process frustration. They seek the closeness of their parents, demand the pacifier, or throw their toys around. Even when they can already speak, children almost always express their anger nonverbally, by pushing, throwing themselves to the floor, hitting, or stamping.

Do not punish tantrums:

When children freak out, the parents' nerves suffer and most find it difficult to remain calm and not respond at the same volume. Nevertheless, you should not punish outbursts of anger or 'sulking'. Expressing anger and frustration is part of the developmental process and children should not develop a fear of their own anger.

Foster empathy:

Children first have to develop an awareness that scolding, shouting, and aggression can hurt others – for them it is primarily a release valve at first to cope with their emotional world. Talk to your child about feelings – including your own – to strengthen empathy.

Aggressive behavior among children – completely normal?

Children often get into scuffles quickly. The reasons are obvious: up to a certain age a physical confrontation is much easier than resolving a conflict verbally. Moreover, children first have to learn to control their impulses – before a child is really aware of its feelings, it has already hit the other over the head with a sand shovel. Even when a dispute involves a lot of shouting and scuffling, in many cases it is not necessary for parents to intervene. In dealing with other children, children not only practice coping with conflicts and 'enduring' them, but they also learn a lot about their own feelings and those of others. Parents or caregivers should intervene in a dispute whenever there is a danger that a child may be hurt or is clearly disadvantaged, or when the situation obviously will not lead to a solution. It is important to look closely at who started the fight: the child who cries in the end is not always the victim.

Aggressives Verhalten bei Kindern | Zwei Jungen kämpfen im Freien. Geschwister oder Freunde ringen im Park

Tips for parents: Managing tantrums

Don't judge aggression:

It should be allowed to feel "negative" emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness without parents being disappointed or unsettled.

Stay calm:

Even if it's hard with a child in the middle of a tantrum - parents can support their child in exceptional situations by being a calm anchor and intervening if necessary.

Not a provocation:

Try not to interpret a tantrum as an attempt to provoke - most children are as overwhelmed by their aggression as the parents are.

Let anger out:

Aggression subsides more quickly when a child can express their anger freely - as long as nothing gets broken and no one is hurt.

Find individual anger strategies:

Find ways together with your child to deal with emotional outbursts - e.g., punching a punching bag, being allowed to scream loudly, tearing up newspaper, etc.

Name emotions:

Children need to learn to notice and classify their feelings. You can help by asking your child about their feelings: Are they angry, sad, afraid, disappointed?

Recognize verbal aggression:

Children don't have to hit to hurt others - some express their aggression with meanness, insults, or emotional blackmail. Keep an eye on verbal aggression and make it clear to your child how hurtful such things are.

Done:

For most children, it is a great relief when they have gotten their anger under control. Praise your child and take time for a quiet activity together.