Mom or Dad? Development matters

Attachment & Trust:

In the first months of life it is most important for your child that someone is there and looks after their needs. Breastfeeding, giving attention and comforting are usually done by the mother, and this creates the important basic trust that will probably initially make your child attach primarily to the mother.

Interaction:

At five to six months your child begins to explore their surroundings with hands, eyes and first movements. Now dad is noticed too. Curiosity grows and a person who isn’t at home all day must be explored. In such cases mom – even if she has been there and caring all day – can quickly be written off in the evening.

Psychosexual development:

At about three years old your child discovers their gender. They learn that mom and dad are different and observe from you what being a woman or a man means. While girls now begin to vie for their father’s attention, boys are usually drawn to their mother. The same-sex parent, however, remains a role model. Depending on the personalities of parents and children or the ages and family constellation, identification can also happen the other way around.

Situation-dependent:

Even small children have different needs: sometimes things should be wild and there is nothing better than playing and roughhousing. At other times security and loving words are what your child needs right now. Studies show that fathers trust their child more and roughhouse more, while mothers tend to focus more on the child’s safety. The little ones learn very quickly which parent takes the best care of them in each situation and then automatically favor that parent.

How do I raise a mommy-child or daddy-child?

The answer is simple: together and consistently. The joy of being in the spotlight should not mean that you allow your child more or that your partner’s rules do not apply. You would also expect your child to listen, even if they would rather play and cuddle with the other. Agreements with your partner should be valid and adhered to. Children need routine and security. Once they realize that these are guaranteed by both parents, they build relationships with them more easily.

Mommy-child and daddy-child: How do I deal with it?

Talk:

• When only mom is allowed to read the bedtime story or only dad is allowed to help get dressed, it can sometimes feel like a stab in the parents’ hearts. Understanding your partner’s feelings is important in order to be able to cope with the situation.

Observe

• Pay attention to how your child behaves in different situations and which parent they then seek contact with. If you reflect on which developmental phase your child is in, many things become easier to explain. You may then also find that your child doesn’t "always only" want mom or dad.

Don't turn away

• Your child’s actions do not mean that they don’t love you. Even if it is difficult, you should not take things personally or withdraw. Your child will quickly notice condemnation and will cling even more to your partner.

Don't exploit

• Being needed and loved is the greatest confirmation for parents. However, you should not exploit it if your child only wants to be with you. This way you take away important developmental impulses that come from the other parent. Don’t exclude anyone and enjoy your family life together.

Share tasks

• Being the focus of the child is nice, but it can also quickly become overwhelming. Discuss with your partner how you can create space for each other and at the same time allow the other to strengthen their relationship. Unfortunately, that sometimes means having to endure crying or sulking when the other leaves for sports or has plans for a few hours.

Image credits:

Mom holds her daughter in her arms and dances © Halfpoint - stock.adobe.com

Dad and son hold hands and the son holds a painted picture © JenkoAtaman - stock.adobe.com

Father and son play in the bedroom © JenkoAtaman - stock.adobe.com