Why do my children argue so much?

Is that normal?

Many parents are puzzled when their children are constantly bickering. Is it normal for children to have countless disputes every day, which sometimes even escalate into physical scuffles? Experts say yes: after all, siblings spend almost as much time with each other as with their parents. The smaller the age gap between siblings, the more frequently friction arises.

Intervene — yes or no?

In principle, children should be able to work out an argument to clear up a problem and reconcile. Only when a dispute becomes violent or goes on without end should you intervene and try to mediate between the quarrelers.

What is the point of arguing?

Arguing can be nerve-wracking for parents, but children learn to stand up for and defend their interests. At the same time, disputes help siblings stake out their place within the family — and they make it clear that other family members also have needs they want to assert.

The most important basic rules for sibling disputes

• Allow arguments: It's not necessary to step in at every outburst. Your children need to learn to resolve disputes among themselves and find a solution. Mediate only if a dispute doesn't come to an end.

• Stay alert: Even if you don't step in, you should keep an ear on the situation. If a child is hurt or if insults suddenly start flying, it's time to step in.

• Remain neutral: Try not to take sides, even if, for example, the younger child is clearly at a disadvantage in a discussion with the older one. Encourage the children to settle their dispute among themselves and emphasize that you cannot judge who started it.

• Address conflicts: If siblings fight very often or bitterly, you can raise the issue in a calm moment. Try, for example, to draw up rules of conduct for conflict situations together with your children.

• Be consistent: If siblings constantly argue over a particular toy or the remote control, you can put that toy away for a while or simply turn off the TV. Usually that's an incentive to make up.

Self-confident children are less prone to conflict

A common reason for sibling quarrels is jealousy or the feeling that one must fight for their place in the family. Children with low self-esteem are more likely to attack others to strengthen their own position. That's why it's so important to treat children as fairly as possible and give each the attention they need. In the hectic everyday family life it's not always easy to distribute cuddles, praise and affection evenly. But you should make sure to listen attentively to your children and encourage their individual abilities so that they can always be sure of your affection. If possible, you should spend time alone with a child now and then — alternately, of course, so that your child receives your full attention for a while.

How to strengthen solidarity between siblings

Encourage helpfulness: Encourage siblings to help each other. For example, ask the older child to put the little one's hat on or ask the younger one if they can help find the older child's favorite toy. That strengthens the bond between children.

Don't compare: Never compare your children's abilities or characteristics with each other — that's a recipe for frustration and jealousy. It's better to praise each child for their individual abilities.

Fair rather than equal: It's almost impossible to treat siblings of different ages and personalities completely the same — and it wouldn't make sense anyway. Try instead to always be fair, giving each child what they need and not disadvantaging any of them.

Praise the bond: Praise your children when they accomplish something together or play particularly nicely together. Also, if your children unite against a parent during a quarrel, you can respond to that — after all, they're supporting each other in a conflict situation.

Image credits

Two children are arguing over a toy © Anastasia Amraeva - stock.adobe.com

Big brother holds his little sister very tightly © Photo-maxx - stock.adobe.com