Actions speak louder than words: How can I be a role model for my children?

Children regularly hold up a mirror to us. They confront us directly with small mistakes and lapses by commenting on or imitating our behavior. Most parents are well aware that they are a role model for their children. The issue becomes complicated because the role-model function does not refer only to parents' positive behaviors, but to all habits and areas of life. Someone who preaches one thing but does another quickly becomes unbelievable: Why should a child tidy their room when the living room is regularly a mess? Why should they sit quietly and politely at the midday table when mom is reading the newspaper or on the phone? It is not always easy to be a good role model for your children. Often it means critically questioning your own behavior and, if necessary, changing it. Many behaviors are pure habits that we do not think much about. Do I behave the way I expect my child and others to behave? That is the fundamental question of the role-model function. You can learn more about how to be a good role model for your children here.

I do everything differently than my parents!

Most people realize how much their parental home shapes them at the latest when they become parents themselves. Many unconsciously adopt their own parents' behavior, whether in stressful situations or in everyday life with a child. Others deliberately distance themselves from their parents' parenting style and want to do better. And still others draw on childhood experiences and even seek advice from their parents on parenting questions. Regardless of whether we remember our own upbringing as positive or negative: it always has a decisive effect on how we treat our children and what demands we place on ourselves as parents. You can use this to your advantage: what did your own upbringing do you good, and where would you have wished for more support from your parents? With this awareness you already have a good guide for your individual parenting style at hand.

How can we be authentic parents to our child?

Children have pretty well-functioning antennae when it comes to the credibility of their parents. And many parents are more unsettled than ever about basic questions of childrearing: on the one hand they want to do everything right and optimally support their child, on the other they have to manage to make family life relaxed and harmonious while also working. But how does this uncertainty affect the children? Children do not need perfect parents. They need the security that authentic parenting can provide. But how do parents find their own way in raising children? We have compiled some to-dos for authenticity:

• Self-confidence: Trust your abilities as parents and, again and again, your gut feeling

• Attention: Listen to your child, spend time together to find out what they really need

• Imperfection: Admit mistakes and fears and be willing to learn

• Conviction: Be genuine; only convey to your child the values you yourself stand behind

• At eye level: Be as polite and respectful toward your child as you yourself expect

There will repeatedly be situations in which you as parents reach your limits. That is also completely normal — and accepting your own mistakes is part of your authenticity.

Am I involved — or already a helicopter mom?

Under control at every step: Those who look around playgrounds and kindergartens may be astonished: parents entertain their children for hours in the sandbox or stand right next to the climbing frame so that nothing happens. Preschool mothers plan support programs for their children instead of letting them play outside, and parents carry their children's schoolbags into the classroom so as not to overwhelm them. More and more, parents become their children's personal assistant — and act unsolicited as sole entertainer, taxi, conflict advisor and event manager. In doing so, the so-called helicopter parents put not only themselves under pressure but also their children.

Perfect parents — insecure children: The understanding of parenthood has changed. Today, children are no longer a self-evident 'side effect' of adult life, but are carefully planned into life design with the same determination with which a professional career is pursued. The supposedly perfect parents want to do everything right and in the process forget how to rely on their intuition. This insecurity is transferred to the children: they do not develop self-confidence because the parents do not trust them, no sense of responsibility because everything is done for them, and no initiative because their everyday life is shaped by others.

Am I a helicopter mom? The boundaries between perfectly normal worries and obsessive control are not always clearly drawn. The individual needs of a child and the circumstances in daycare, school or leisure activities also play a role. Every mother probably catches herself now and then with irrational fears or concerns, but does that make her a helicopter mother? No — as long as these fears do not dictate behavior toward the child. Children need the freedom to try things out for themselves, to make their own mistakes and sometimes simply to do nothing. For that they need above all their parents' trust. Read more here about what lies behind the term helicopter parents.

Checklist: How should I behave toward my children?

• Define expectations: What expectations do you have of yourselves as parents?

• Define parenting goals: What would you like to give your child on their life journey?

• Be authentic: Do you stand behind the values you convey to your child?

• Be a role model: Do you model these values and behaviors in your everyday life?

• Stay flexible: Do you occasionally put your own parenting style to the test — maybe the family situation currently requires something different?

• Show understanding: Do you have understanding for your child's mistakes and setbacks, and for your own?

• Be consistent: Do you stick to your word — whether you promise something or announce punishments?

• Let go of perfectionism: Children don't need a 'perfect' upbringing, but authentic, attentive parents!

Image credits

Child and father crafting © Hero Images - stock.adobe.com