Why are parents afraid of letting go?

According to psychologists, clinging is part of human nature: holding on to familiar people, situations and environments is a basic need we use to protect ourselves. At the same time, letting go is a natural process without which children could never lead an independent life. After the first intense period, many parents become accustomed to feeling needed around the clock and may even find a certain satisfaction in it. At the same time, letting go always involves a loss of control. The child's life increasingly slips out of parental influence. In return, the child forms new social contacts and becomes increasingly independent.

Letting go step by step

Infant: Strictly speaking, birth is already a first act of letting go for the mother – and so for many mothers it is unthinkable to be separated from their baby even for a short time in the first months. That is only natural, after all the newborn is completely dependent on the care of its parents. Babies have fewer problems with a separation in this early period – they only begin later to perceive parents as attachment figures.

Baby: Many mothers experience weaning their child with mixed feelings: on the one hand they finally feel freer, on the other it feels as if an intense bond with the child is being lost. Children themselves sometimes have problems with it. Take time for this first 'separation' and be aware that it is an important prerequisite for your child's independence.

Daycare: Almost all toddlers need some time to get used to the unfamiliar environment in daycare or with the childminder, and parents also find it hard to hand their children over to strangers for longer periods. It is important that you find a care facility you absolutely trust – this way, despite initial separation pain, a good feeling can remain. In addition, you can get yourself and your child used to dealing with new situations already in the baby stage by, for example, visiting friends, going to a playgroup, or staying overnight at the grandparents'.

Kindergarten: If your child has already been to daycare, the transition to kindergarten is usually not a big problem. And yet it sometimes feels quite different to suddenly have a 'kindergarten child'. Many children start meeting friends in the afternoons to play during kindergarten age: gradually your child's social circle grows and the time you spend together decreases.

Primary school: Starting school is a milestone that many parents approach with mixed feelings: along with pride in the growing child come doubts about how they will cope with the academic demands of school and the class environment. Usually a middle course is just right: trust in your child's abilities and those of the primary school teachers, and at the same time follow your child's development attentively and with empathy – that way you can be there when you are needed.

Puberty: The process of detaching is particularly pronounced during puberty: children now actively demand their own space. For many it is important to distinguish themselves from their parents and they vehemently assert their own opinions. Parents must now strike a real balance – a healthy mix of understanding and consistency, combined with the ability to let a child make their own mistakes and have their own experiences.

Checklist:

This is how parents and children can learn to let go

• Trust: You should trust your child's ability to solve challenges on their own.

• Reliability: Make your child aware that you are always there if they have problems.

• Restraint: Observe closely how your child develops in daycare, kindergarten or school, but also respect the work of the educators.

• Reflect: Think about your own childhood and your wishes and fears in separation situations – perhaps your child is very similar to you.

• Consistency: Even if it sometimes hurts, every healthy child must learn independence.

Image credits

Happy little girl with her mother at home, having fun, hugging © Halfpoint - stock.adobe.com