Scolding – How to do it right

Does scolding harm children? Of course it is not okay to shout at your children; after all, as parents we are role models and want our children to learn how to behave correctly in conflict situations. However, swallowing your frustration in order to always stay nicely calm is not a good alternative either. On the one hand, children have a good antenna for their parents' "false composure". On the other hand, anger builds up over time and gnaws at us, possibly to be released in a fit of rage at some point.

How to scold properly: Parents don't have to raise their voices when they scold. A firm, calm voice conveys the seriousness of the situation very well. And as paradoxical as it may sound: objectivity is the top priority when scolding. Your reprimand should always relate only to the current situation. When and how often your child has made mistakes is irrelevant at that moment; judging the mistakes also does not belong to scolding. Criticize your child's behavior, but never their personality or abilities.

Be authentic: Quiet, reserved characters will have difficulty showing toughness. Conversely, temperamental parents often have to grit their teeth to remain calm and composed. As with all areas of parenting, scolding should also be authentic so that your child can make sense of the situation.

Keep calm – how parents learn to scold less

Accept your own limits: Nobody can be stressed indefinitely. When parents are stressed or overtired, it can happen that they scold more than usual. The important thing is that this does not become a permanent state. Be approachable for your child and tell them that you are currently annoyed or tired.

Reconsider your own expectations: If parents catch themselves scolding frequently, they can take this as an opportunity to rethink their expectations of their child. Maybe the child is not yet old enough to keep their room and things tidy on their own. Maybe it is romping loudly in the apartment because it would actually prefer to be outside on the playground? All parents should from time to time put their own behavior to the test to find out whether they are fair to their children.

More attention: Mom wants to read calmly on the sofa, the child is romping wildly around or is secretly helping themselves to the sweets drawer - many situations that make parents lose their temper are basically attempts to get attention. A regular shared ritual during the day, for example reading a book or a short walk in which your child has your full attention, gives the day structure and can reduce stressful situations.

Allow conflicts: Disputes between siblings and friends are normal and parents do not have to intervene immediately when it gets loud. On the contrary - if parents scold because children are resolving a conflict, that can also disrupt children's development of social skills.

The basics of scolding

1. Shouting is a sign of weakness: And it frightens children. Parents who speak calmly and firmly come across as much more self-assured – that way a child is more likely to take in what is being said to them.

2. Personal criticism is taboo: "Are you too stupid/too small/too lazy for that?" are absolute no-gos – you should criticize your child's behavior and not their personality.

3. Scold about current behavior: Don't scold your child for an act that happened a long time ago and don't bring old misdeeds into a current conflict.

4. Don't question love: Your child must be able to feel secure in your affection – despite scolding. Statements like "... then I don't love you anymore" are emotional blackmail and frighten children.

5. Scold briefly: A scolding tirade may help you let off steam – but your child will probably tune out after a short time. Instead, scold briefly and matter-of-factly.

6. Scold and move on: The scolding should end a conflict. Don't hold it against your child, but instead return to everyday life.

7. Scold authentically: Your child knows you and will quickly notice whether you are authentic or not. Showing feelings is allowed – this way your child can better understand your reproach.

Image credits

Father is having fun with his little daughter in the bathroom © Halfpoint - stock.adobe.com

Woman scolds a girl at the table © etonastenka - stock.adobe.com